COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES
A series of subtle and not so subtle hints…
A HUG AND A PUSH: Technique #1 – Lowering Resistance
The goal of communication is to communicate! Obvious, no? Not really. Effective communication is exceedingly difficult. If it were easy, there wouldn’t be a gazillion self-help books available to teach you how to talk to another human being. There are many traps we fall into and mistakes we make in our often-floundering attempts to get our message across….and as importantly, received.
Most complex communication in relationships is about having a need met, a complaint registered, a shared vision discussed, and future goals verbalized and agreed upon. It can feel unsettling to bring “issues” up at all, as if even voicing your wishes and needs will threaten the relationship. But scarier still is not expressing your feelings, letting anger and frustration build up and erode the relationship
Hint! Your partner can’t read your mind! I don’t care how much they love you! Ain’t gonna happen! So you’re forced to put your thoughts into words. By the way, intimacy is built upon these scary, revealing, risk-taking moments.
My best friend and I, during our turbulent adolescence, wrote a haiku which we still get a kick out of…the romantic innocence of the young!
I run to be alone
Yet wish so desperately
That someone would care and follow.
Yeah, right.
Now that you’ve realized, I hope, that you have to express your needs, the second part of the equation is having your partner/boss/parent/parakeet hear you! For that to happen, your listener must feel safe enough to receive what will often be a need or complaint and not automatically go into defense/counterattack mode.
It’s a psychological axiom, no one wants to feel like a schmuck, a failure, a loser. And if you blast your mate with all sorts of accusations that you’ve allowed to build up over time, you are bound to trigger those exact feelings. Not fertile ground for open and honest communication.
This leads me to introduce the very esoteric Hug & Push Communication Technique. To effectively “lower the defenses,” so your communication is received, you need to set the stage by making your partner feel safe and appreciated first! We call this part “The Hug.” Then gently suggest a possible change that might benefit them (and you) “The Push.” So, for example, I might say to someone who’s getting in trouble at work for aggressively pushing their ideas onto others, including their boss, “I think you have some great ideas that would benefit your company. You’re obviously invested and passionate about making the organization the best it can be. (Hug). Can I invite you to think about presenting your ideas either in writing or setting up formal meetings with your boss to review your suggestions?”(Push). You‘re bound to get a better result that way!
Let’s start with setting up a vignette. Joan and Jay have been dating for eight months. The honeymoon phase is over and now they’re starting to drive each other nuts. The little foibles and habits that were so endearing, or maybe tolerable, are now beginning to rub away the “perfection” of their new mate and relationship. At the beginning, they just magically “knew” what the other wanted and were happy to fulfill each other’s needs. Not so much anymore! Reality has set in. They do care about each other, and are invested in the relationship, but now the “work” begins. Here goes:
Joan is annoyed with Jay because he’s always late. It was annoying before, now it’s starting to drive her bonkers. How selfish of him! Doesn’t he care about her? Her feelings? Joe doesn’t yet realize this is a problem, Joan never said anything before about his tardiness. She just snarls at him when he hold them up, yet again. Not charming nor effective.
First and foremost…Joan needs to leave her oh-so-justified anger at the door. She’s got to give poor Jim a chance to understand how he’s screwing up before she bites his head off. Up to this point, he thinks he’s doing swell. Silly Jim.
Joan is a bit scared of shaking up the relationship by even suggesting it isn’t the perfect heaven they both thought they found. And she’s right to worry that her built-up anger and righteous indignation will confuse, and scare, the hell out of poor, late Jim. So how does she communicate her need for him to be punctual? Gently. Hence, the “Hug and Push” method of communication.
Joan might say to Jim, “I’m so proud to have you by my side (hug) and it would make me so happy to have you arrive with me at the party instead of showing up late (push). I feel uncomfortable showing up places without you.”
Or you could use the Bulldozer Method, “Jim, you’re a selfish bastard, all you ever do is think of yourself! I’m waiting for you, with a fancy dinner I’ve been preparing all day and you can’t even show up on time!” I don’t think that’s going to get the warmth and openness Joan was hoping for!
A corollary to this technique is approaching a potentially triggering conversation by saying “I’m hurt that you…” NOT “I’m angry that you....” You are hurt… anger follows hurt. And hurt is an approachable emotion, anger is off-putting. Hurt leads to comfort, anger leads to defense.
Is the goal to express your appropriately-earned anger or to work towards a long-term, better outcome?
Anger and righteous indignation are powerful and empowering emotions. Both have their places in the evolutionary structure of our society. However, most of the time, they backfire badly in relationships. It takes patience and forethought to enact the Hug/Push technique, and it lacks the immediate gratification that a good fight does. But what’s more important? Feeling justified in spewing your anger or opening up your relationship to compromise and change?
There are times when anger is an appropriate and warranted response. No one should ever hurt or threaten you or your loved ones! No one should be allowed to abuse or abase you! In many cases, anger is healthy and needed!
“AND” NOT “BUT”: Technique #2 – Lowering Defenses
One of my more astute therapists rightly guessed that I was born an Aries, the sign of the goat. He said he knew, since I seemed to enjoy “but”ting everyone I met. Ouch! I learned, after bruising a bunch of sensitive egos, that I was better off saying “and” not “but”. “But” puts people on the defensive. Very few good things come after “but” in a conversation. Whereas “and” is hopeful, inclusive.
This one is hard and it will take some time to catch yourself, but I promise it’s worth it to work on making that small change!
I’M CURIOUS…: Technique #3 – Lowering Defenses
When I’m about to ask a question that might rile my listener, I try to begin with the “I’m curious…” strategy. A quick example. I might start a discussion by saying, “I’m curious why you chose to continue to see this person when they’re obviously not available, already married, seriously addicted to drugs, beat up his last girlfriend, etc.” This opens up the discussion in a safe, non-judgmental manner as opposed to saying, “What the hell are you doing????????????”
Or, less heated, “I’m curious why you continue to be late to our engagements when you know how much that upsets me?” “I’m curious why you felt the need to lie to me about where you were last night?”
“I’m curious” invites someone to join you in exploring a question. It’s gentle and honest.
There are many more techniques for effective communication and you probably have discovered a few that are specific to your situation. Bravo!
At this point, we’re basically reviewing some behavioral changes you can make to enhance your success in being heard. The deeper issues, such as unresolved, unexplored anger from past relationships including family-of-origin issues, shame in all its various disguises, anxiety-driven avoidance caused by abandonment fears (usually for women) and competency/mastery fears (usually for men.) Physical and emotional abuse issues will be addressed in later blogs. But, let’s start here and see how much you can improve your relationships via small, but significant, shifts in communication styles. Be creative! Play! Try humor! All in the service of improved intimacy and joy!