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SAVE ME FROM HIS MOTHER! Or Mommy Long-Legs

by Dr. Alita Buzel

Confronted with spider-like images on psychological projective tests, most people see MOTHER. In other words, people unconsciously associate Mother with a grasping, clinging, voracious spider. Charming.

The old truism that it's the wife's mother who is the classic grasping, needy, ego-eating "mommy long-legs" is as much a fairytale as the frog who turned into a prince. My experience as a therapist has taught me that, more often than not, the really clinging, intrusive mom tends to be your husband's, not your own.

This over-attachment between mom and son usually starts in early development. Starting at approximately age two, when a child is suppose to begin psychically leaving the nest (or web in this case), a needy, anxious mom can sabotage a child's sense of healthy independence and self-mastery. Children have few options so they stayed glued to Mom and give over their independence and growth of a separate sense of Self to the security of her "authority." As long as there are no threats to her central position in a child's life, things appear normal. But wait. When a young man matures, and wants to weave his own web with someone besides Mom, when her central position is threatened, all hell breaks loose. Your loving partner might be oblivious to this undercurrent of hostility and, often times, passive aggressive energy coming from his perfect mom, but you're not. The tug of war has begun.

When little boys should be mirroring their fathers, often times Dad is either not around or his status has been minimized by his wife. Dad could be physically absent due to work, divorce, golf or so ridiculed and ostracized that he takes himself out of the family picture. Seeking out and attaching to Dad would be betraying Mom. Mom ends up the only game in town. In Mom's eyes, the little boy is perfect, everybody else is suspect.

These "idolized" boys grow up either being unable to commit to someone besides Mom, trying to commit to someone but secretly keeping Mom as their main relationship, using their wives and/or partners to wedge between their mothers and themselves as opposed to doing the separation on their own, or never being able to attach to a woman having experienced "engulfment" and not wanted to repeat this suffocating experience.

Often times, your guy might not have a clue that there's a problem with his mom (and you). If you point this out, you look like (and confirm Mom's belief) that women (all but her, of course) are dangerous. "How could you not like my adorable mom?" (hmm).

Let's take a look at how this "mother attachment" gets played out in your partner's adult intimate relationships.

Scenario One: You fall in love with a terrific guy who has this incredible ability to really "get you." He isn't like the other self-involved guys you've dated. He is able (and willing) to reach into his emotions and communicate them. Moreover, he has retained his masculinity and is often in a hyper-masculine profession, e.g. lawyer, Wall Street, police.

You find it touching that he has such a close relationship with his mother, who seems like a wonderful woman. When you first meet her she's warm, loving, and obviously adores her son! In fact, when you all go out to dinner, she takes the seat next to him. How sweet.

OR, he can't stand his mother. He gets in a foul mood whenever she calls (which is often) or when there are family functions. In this instance, she is obviously overly dependent and clingy on him and you wonder why she isn't leaning on her own husband!

In either case, you and he move onto marriage plans. The families finally meet. He mother orchestrates the evening, his father sits back and your family gets graciously herded through the evening's events. You sense a bit of tension between your mom and his, perhaps a control issue? Considering the fact that it will be your parents who are footing the bill for the wedding, you start to get a wee bit annoyed that his mother has so many "suggestions," which strangely feel more like demands.

You try to talk to your finance about his Mom's controlling behavior, but he immediately starts to defend her and you have the uncomfortable feeling that it is you who are on the outside causing all the problems. You try, diplomatically, to give your guy concrete examples of his mother's subtle judgments and controlling behaviors and he responds by valiantly defending her, "How can you say such nasty things about my mother?!". Cruel you.

Hence the beginning of your power struggle between you and your soon-to-be husband over whom your husband owes his allegiance.

Now you are married. As long as you live about 30000 miles from your mother-in-law and you have call-recognition on your phone, things should be OK, however you feel The Ghost of Mom in every major decision you both make. You love him, you hate her. You learn to live with it.

Scenario Two: You fall in love with a terrific guy. Things are going swimmingly. He's affectionate, loving, and all the signs point to a meaningful relationship. Then he balks...spooked. You try to figure out what you did to scare him off. What you couldn't know is that his own fledgling feelings of love and commitment to you threaten his long-entrenched, and probably unconscious, loyalty to Mom. He probably doesn't have an inkling of what's going on, all he knows is that he keeps getting to this point in relationships where he starts to feel anxious, trapped and miserable. He knows, from repeated experiences, that the way to feel less miserable is to distance from you. He's fighting unwritten and unbending rules that he doesn't even know exist. "You will not love another before me!" mom.

It is important to know that this mother/son relationship that seems so impenetrable is often fraught with anger. By the time your guy grows up, he is probably enraged at his mother's neediness but doesn't know how to free himself. His mother has done such a wonderful job of getting him terrified of neediness, that anything that feels like dependency (even healthy, loving dependency) angers and terrifies him. He feels suffocated, trapped and runs.

Recognizing the Signs:

How can you know, sooner than later, if your man has an "over-attachment" to his mother? There are a few things you can look for. But remember, you need to see a pattern of behavior before you label the poor guy. Just because he calls his mother or loves to go home for Sunday dinner, does not automatically make him overly attached. He just might love his mom. That's great!

Things you ought to look for:

a) Relationship/dating history. Does he tend to end relationships after just a few months when everything seems to be going very well? Does he give amorphous reasons such as: I didn't have that magic feeling, I knew she wasn't the right one or find imperfections with the girls he has dated in the past, think of Jerry Seinfeld's' Soft Talker episode. If this has been going on for years, watch out.

b) How is his relationship with his father? Does he admire him? Are they close?

c) How would he describe his parent's relationship? Who makes the decision in his family? Are his parents close? Do they respect each other?

d) Can he say "no" to his mother? Can he go to your house for holidays, etc.? How does he sound after he spends time with his mother? Is he depressed, grouchy?

e) How does his mother treat you? Have you noticed a change in her behavior towards you as you've become closer to her son? Does she make you feel like a valued member of the family or like an interloper?

f) Has she been able to take a backseat to you with regards to you and her son's plans, e.g. wedding plans, moving plans, baby plans? Does she respect your boundaries as a couple? If she doesn't, does your husband defend her or do the two of you stand together as a unit?

g) Does it seem as if she's always on the phone with him? Do you feel as if your ease dropping on their relationship?

CODEPENDENCY: LOVE OR DESPERATION?

Codependency is the propensity of some people to get romantically involved with needy, dependent people and to do so repeatedly. The codependent partner tends to be overly responsible, highly accomplished, warm, empathetic and giving. The dependent partner is usually underfunctioning in some significant way, perhaps chronically depressed, substance addicted, underachiever, etc.. Once these people find each other — and they usually attract like magnets — a self-sustaining system is created. One needs to give, the other needs to take. But the system is based on the emotional weakness of each partner; not a healthy way to sustain a relationship.

Codependency is both a learned behaviour and a coping mechanism. We learn how to have a relationship by watching our parents relate to each other If your mother "enables" (allows and encourages) your father's dependency, or vice versa, you have a subtle but powerful lesson in codependency.

If you also have a core belief that you are not particularly lovable or special, you might also believe that the only way someone could love you or stay with you, is if you provide a vital service for them. Needy, chaotic people will be highly appreciative of anyone who will take them out of their pain and manage their lives for them. The contract is negotiated; he (or she) will stay as long as the other takes care of them.

Usually during the courtship stage of a codependent relationship, both partners feel that they have found their perfect match. She has never felt so needed, appreciated, secure, safe...he believes he has found the answer to all his problems; someone who won't judge him, but will take care of him.

After a while, she might begin to realize that he's not changing, not living up to his potential, not carrying his weight financially, not getting sober, not standing on his own two feet. No matter how much she gives, no matter how patient she is, it's never enough. She begins pushing, he reacts by withdrawing. She wants to change the original contract, he can't. He had "so much potential"....watch those words!

The other scenario that often occurs in a codependent relationship is that under the care of the codependent partner, the dependent partner actually heals and no longer needs, nor wants, a "nurse." He or she then leaves, looking for a more independent person. The codependent partner is left feeling abandoned and enraged and having had their self-worthiness and lovability yet again tossed in the garbage. It is this scenario that triggers a codependent partner, perhaps unconsciously, to sabotage any movement toward health and autonomy on the part of the dependent partner. Remember, the codependent partner is dependent on the other's dependency....hence Co Dependency.

Psychotherapy can help stop the cycle by assisting the codependent in breaking through their entrenched denial system. Most codependents have no idea they are being anything but loving and supportive. They don't experience their caring as manipulation, control and fear. It's a painful process to redefine oneself, to realize you have a problem. The great news is, if you're responsible, you can change. You're in control of you.

In addition to a pattern analysis of past relationships, including a good, hard look at your present one, family history needs to be explored to see where the codependent behaviour might have been learned. Self-esteem usually needs buttressing. If you really believed that you could be "loved" instead of just "needed" you might look for more functional, healthy partners.

A major, yet possibly surprising, aspect of therapy for codependency might be a deep, unacknowledged fear of intimacy and closeness. Real intimacy is impossible to attain in a relationship thwart with drama, anger and disappointment. There's no space for true feelings here; it's not safe. And not invited. Also, at the core of the codependent's psyche is the fear that no one would truly love them if they were exposed as the flawed and needy, and human, people they truly were.

When seeking a therapist to work with, it is helpful to find a person who has experience in the addiction field. In addition, there are excellent support groups, particularly Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings. Often participants at these meetings are themselves in therapy and can suggest therapists.

If you can believe in a better, happier, and more serene life, it's worth the effort to explore what's holding you back from getting the love, honor, safety and respect you deserve.

Women & Mid-Life Crisis

SKIDDING INTO FIFTY - WOMEN'S MID-LIFE CRISIS

by Dr. Alita Buzel

I have noticed, for myself and other women, that our late 40's and early 50's are a time of bumpy transitions blending the mourning of lost dreams with the contentment of new perspectives.

The Mid-Life Crisis so often associated with middle-age men now appears to be gender-neutral. We all get to go through a period of soul searching and reappraisal. The distinction seems to be that men and women, having pursued different goals and given weight to different aspects of their lives, experience and resolve their own grief and soul-searching in unique ways.

Men lament the lack of accomplishment in the instrumental realm of business and finance. Women lament the lack of connection and intimacy they had hoped to achieve at this point in their lives. Both sexes have the difficult job of redefining success and self-fulfillment.

We know most men define themselves "instrumentally," by what they have achieved, accomplished, and/or acquired up to this point in their lives; by a sense of mastery in the world. For them, the saddness and grief of mid-life comes with the recognition that once sought-after and highly-valued goals will never be realized. They will never become CEO, they will never earn more than a 'good' living,' they will never own a Cessna, penthouse apartment, or the Jaguar they had once aspired to. Hopefully, over time and with thoughtful reappraisal, they come to an appreciation of what they have accomplished and get to enjoy the greater perspective of what is truly important. OR they 'crash and burn' running after elusive symbols of youth and success.

Women's life goals are different. We are the "affective" half of the yin/yang. Our sense of self, success and security are defined by our relationships; our being loved and loving. This is no way precludes or minimizes our desire to also succeed in the workplace and at our careers, we just carry a larger bag of dreams.

Once we hit our 40's and 50's, we are also confronted by the goals we have not, and probably will never, achieve. We had dreamed of being loved, appreciated, taken care of emotionally by the relationships in our lives. Many of us received these goodies first through budding romance and the bonding of early marriage, then through our children. But there comes a time, when having done a great job, these children leave home to pursue dreams of their own. We are then left to appraise the connections that remain in our lives.

Our parents are elderly and in need of our nuturing and attention or have passed on. Our brothers and sisters have complicated lives of their own. We turn, full face, to our partners to find the affirmation and love we need and long for. Sometimes we discover we are as disappointed in the quality and depth of our marital relationships as men are in their careers. This is it. Nothing is bound to get better. This is as far as our intimacy, this marrige, will take us. This terrifies and saddens us. Other times, we are lucky and our partner is ready to recommit to growing the intimacy that has been dormant during childrearing years.

How we deal with inherent disappointments and limitations in our lives (for men, their career potential, for women their intimate relationships) will define our contentment and happiness for the duration. Do we come to find a greater perspective and learn to appreciate what we have or do we work to create a different outcome? Is one strategy more worthy of the other?

There are a myriad of ways women have found to redefine and reestablish joy and connection at this crucial juncture in development From interviewing vairous women, a picture emerges of a spectrum of options that become available given enough creativity and energy. The choices range from working to enhance and grow their marital relationships by developing new shared goals and activities to divorcing with the hope of finding meaning with another man or exploring the option of living alone.

Besides marital choices, many women feel enriched by their circle of friends and tend to expand and deepen those friendships. The newly popular weekly bookclubs, "bitch and stitch" meetings, spa weekend specials all are geared to grouping women in meaningful and fun activities. Once again we find ourselves around an ancient campfire, sharing stories and support.

New hobbies are explored or resurrected from childhood. From my own experience, I have noticed that women return to their prepubescent love affair with horses that they abandoned with their first crush with the onset of menopause as if horses and estrogen don't mix! Other women resurrect their dreams of becoming writers or artists. The aspirations that were put away with the demands of adulthood are pulled out of our eternal 'hope chests.' The difference being that now we can pursue these dreams without worrying about the outcome; for the pure joy of doing.

We are now at a point in history, given our expanded life times, that allows us and challenges us to create new goals and meanings for the second half of life. Exploring possiblities, sharing experiences, deepening connections, are ours for the doing!

Please feel free to write and share your own personal experiences with this transitional time of life. Dr. Alita Buzel

Relationship Issues

WHEN MEN WON'T TALK AND WOMEN WON'T STOP -- adding in baby! (Parenting Magazine)
BY Dr. Alita Buzel

Marriage is hard work and many people with the best of intentions fail at it. Add in a baby, and what was a little relationship problem becomes magnified many times over! The fact that your husband doesn't put his laundry in the hamper or forgets to call when he's going to be late goes from a minor misdemeanor to a major felony when you've go an infant on your hands.

Babies, like many other things that change our lives even for the better, are stressors. Our bodies don't have buttons for "good stress" or "bad stress," they just go into psychic overdrive either way. Babies fall under the category of "Major Life Transitions" meaning Major Stress.
One of the basic truths that therapists have learned over the centuries is that to assume that men and women handle stress and life transitions in a similar manner is to head straight for disaster. They don't. So before anything else, when young couples come into therapy, they are often hit with a crash course on the myriad and subtle ways that men and women differ in how they manage (and don't manage) stress.

Clue One: Men and women think differently. Men process incoming information in a much more linear, one topic at a time manner. Women process information more globally and can manage many more things at the same time. Result: men get overwhelmed, and women get impatient. You're running around with the baby in your arms, making dinner, answering the phone, doing the laundry and he seems totally flummoxed by your request to make the baby formula...

Clue Three: Men's sense of self-worth is based on feelings of mastery, competency and control. Women's sense of self-worth is based on feelings of connection and belonging. Men get anxious (=unsafe) when they feel incompetent (and not appreciated); women get anxious when they feel disconnected (and not loved). So go ahead and ask him to change the baby. He withdraws (in fear of looking foolish) and you feel abandoned (he doesn't care).

Clue Four: When men feel inadequate, they try to avoid those situations (and people) that they perceive as making them feel lousy. They watch T.V., tune into their computers for the night, stay late at work.... When a man feels trapped (overwhelmingly anxious) he might resort to yelling and screaming to create the distance he needs to regain his sense of mastery. When a woman feel overwhelmingly anxious (when she feels unloved, disconnected) she tends to close the distance by talking, being close, "discussing the problem." Etc. ALL the things that men dread. The more their husbands/lovers evade them, the more women feel abandoned and try to close the distance. Result: Men won't talk, and women won't stop.
So let's put this all together. When a woman feels anxious about her attachment, she might try to calm herself by seeking reassurance. Often, this ends up feeling like clinging, demanding or nagging to their partners. When a man feels stressed about his competency or their space, they seek distance and avoid and evade their partners who are making them feel anxious. The paradox is obvious, women seek closeness and men seek distance and they blame each other for problems in the relationship. Add in a baby, with all the anticipation and anxiety that infants come with, and the disappointment and abandonment can feel monumental. Never has she felt so dependent and needy; never has he felt so incompetent and useless.

CHANGE

The most crucial tool for change is your own awareness and acceptance of responsibility for the issues with which you both are struggling. Blame, the opposite of responsibility, feels great in the moment and gets you nowhere fast. When you become aware of and accept the fact that women and men achieve security and happiness via different pathways, things get easier and the appreciation, compassion, and patience you thought was lost forever, becomes renewed.
If there is too much hurt and anger and you both can't move beyond your entrenched positions, it might be time to seek a therapist who can "coach" you through these stormy times. Seeking therapy does not mean your marriage/relationship is failing, it simple means that you're both stuck and care enough about each other and the relationship to invest the energy to get it back on track. Remember, a baby brings out the best, and the worst, in all of us! That's perfectly normal. Working as a team enhances the joys, and lowers the stress, of this tremendous life changer!
Finding a couples therapist might be tricky. There are a thousand couples therapists out there with two thousand techniques. How do you choose? One very efficient way is to ask your friends who have seen couples therapists and liked them. Tried and true! You can cold-call, which is tougher. If you need to do this, visit a few therapists to see which one you and your partner feel comfortable with. A good couple's therapist will be hands-on, and, if need be, can take control of the session if one person gets too angry or is using up all the air-time. You don't want to spend your money screaming at each other for 45 minute, you can do that at home for free!
The first few sessions will be history-taking and time for the therapist to get a feel for you as a couple and what your issues might be. Often times, the therapist will ask to meet with each one of you privately, to get a deeper experience of you as a person and what your goals are for therapy.
I am very much a "coach" of couples when they come to therapy. My goal is for them to learn how to achieve a great relationship and to take those skills home with them. There are times I might recommend that one or the other or both partners do some private therapy if I think there are issues that need to be addressed that are negatively impacting the quality of the relationship. The optimal goal is to refer individuals to their own therapist, so that the couple's therapist remains the "couple's" therapist, that entity that gets created when two people are in a relationship. Don't wait too long to begin therapy, the earlier you start, the better the chances you can gain back the love and comfort you're lonely for.
If you have questions, please feel free to contact me at 212-799-1705.

Depression

DIFFERENT DEGREES OF DEPRESSION

by Dr. Alita Buzel

Everyone gets sad from time to time, has "the blues.' However, there is a spectrum of levels of sadness that range from the perfectly normal moods we travel through to serious, life-threatening depressions which might require hospitalizations. Most people who get diagnoses with "depression" fall somewhere in the middle.

How do you know if what you are feeling is just a passing sad mood or something that needs to be addressed? If you do feel more than "just sad" and it's lasting way too long, how do you determine if a) it's time to seek therapy and/or b) it's time to consider medication and/or c) it's time to admit yourself to a hospital.

Most people will never fall into category 'c', but have experienced long-term depressions that can affect their overall life functioning and can range from mild to severe. Mild Depressions are analogous to bad colds; incredibly annoying but you can get on with your daily life. Cinical Depressions are more like a serious flu that knocks you off your feet and requires attention.

The milder depression is labeled "Dysthymia' and can be experienced for months and even years. Some people have been dysthymic their whole lives and no no other way of being. The 'flu level' depression is "Clinical Depression" and tends not to last as long as Dysthymia (usually no more than a year and often a few months) but can be debilitating, affecting every aspect of your life, and sometimes life-threatening (sucide).

Both levels of depression have similar symptoms, but the level of distress varies considerably.

The major symptoms fall into three categories. All reflect the changes in the neurochemical makeup of the brain that happens as a result (or cause of) depression.

a) Cognitive Distortions:

These are changes in our thought patterns that happen when we are depressed. I often refer to them as Depression's Script. The most common distorted thoughts are:

My life have always been awful and will be awful forever. Which lead to feelings of profound hopelessness.

There is nothing I can do to change my situation. Which leads to feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.

It's all my fault. Which leads to feelings of self-loathing,guilt, and worthlinessness.

I can't get going. I have no energy. I don't enjoy the activities, friends, food, I used to. Everything is just "blah" "grey"

You might also notice an increased problem with your concentration and attention and decision-making abilities.

b) Affective Changes:

Which is the emotional experience of depression. When you are depressed, you often feel sad, anxious, teary, overwhelmed, depairing, guilty, self-loathing, indecisive, "deadened," spacey, agititated, angry, short-tempered.

c) Somatic Changes ("vegetative signs")

These are the body changes that can take place as a result of your depression:

1) Problems sleeping. People either sleep too much (as if they feel drugged) or can't sleep at all. Often times, people pop out of sleep early in the morning and are unable to return to sleep. Sleep deprivation worsens the depression so it is a vicious cycle.

2) Loss of appetite. Either you loose your desire to eat, or you find yourself eating way too much. The loss of appetite also can extend to your sexual drive.

3) Increased agitation. You can't sit still but you're also very tired. This can include racing thoughts, ruminating, feelings of anxiety, feeling "racey"

SEEKING TREATMENT

Therapy: Psychotherapy has been proven highly effective in treating depression. Some techniques, for example Cognitive/Behavioral therapy, which focuses on the distored thought patterns associated with depression, has been proven to be highly effective particularly in combination with antidepressant medications.

Given the nature of depression, it is often a herculian task to start looking for a therapist when you're feeling overwhelmed, unsure, depleted, lethargic and hopeless. However, this is when you have to regroup and find help. Ask your friends for assistance. Often times, upon asking, someone you know will have seen a therapist that they could recommend or your general practitioner or gynocologist should have some therapists they feel comfortable referring. You can always use your internet and google therapists in your area. Whoever you see, however, make sure they are licensed.

Medication: Should you or shouldn't you?

One of the miracles of this day and age is that there are new anti-depressant medications on the market that are effective, with very few side effects and are covered by most prescription plans. Used effectively and judiously under the care of a psychiatrist (not your GP!) medications can see you through the worst of the depression until you can swim on your own again.

Hospitalizaton: When and how.

If you feel as if you are in danger of hurting yourself, or someone else, go to the hospital! Just show up at your local emergy room or call 911. If someone you cares about is depressed and mentions he or she wants to end it all, call 911 and get help. Don't be afraid they might be mad at you, at least they will be around to be mad at you.

If you have any questions about this article, or if you would like an opinion on whether you are depressed or need treatment, please feel free to call or email me at: 212-799-1705 or buzel12@aol.com.*

*If you are feeling suicidal, please call 911.

Online dating: The Do's and The DON'T YOU DARES!

By Dr. Alita Buzel

All therapists have born witness to their clients successfully finding love and marriage via Internet dating. More often though, we hear disaster stories from the front lines of online-dating survivors.

If you have a hands-on, sometimes pushy, therapist like me, you might hear some suggestions you might like, others you might rebel against, all given in the spirit of helping you negotiate these mine-fields of romance.

First and foremost, you have to be emotionally ready for a relationship. That does not just mean you really, really want one! Nor does it mean that all your friends are hooking-up, so you should too. It definitely does not mean your mother is pressuring you to get married and wondering, out loud, where she went wrong!

If you have had a pattern of poor and unrealistic partner choices, if you tend to fall in love too soon only to "crash and burn" on a pretty regular basis, if you are looking for someone to save you from your life, online dating will be just more of the same.

To approach online dating in a sane and effective manner, you should have the following things going for you:

1) A pretty good self-esteem and, better yet, a good sense of humor so that you can maintain a healthy perspective when you bump into the inevitable rejections and game-playing that are part of this process.

2) An ability to be open to and look for what is interesting about another human being, as opposed to finding reasons to reject all potential, and appropriate, candidates in two seconds flat.

3) A good support network of friends who will be realistic, upbeat and comforting.

Some basic starters

1) YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER CHOICES:

Pick out nine profiles. Three you would definitely be interested in. Three that could be possible, but are not stars. And three you would never in a million years consider. Check with your support network and/or therapist and share these nine profiles with them. Have them give you objective feedback as to your choices and criteria. They know you well enough to be honest.

Girls: Are you picking those "angry young men" you tend to be attracted to and get nowhere with? Are you, yet again, rejecting nice, stable guys who don't shine like the charismatic bad boys? Are you automatically rejecting anyone who lives outside your zip code? Doesn't love opera? Wears a suit to work?

Guys: Are you looking at the appropriate category of women or are you rejecting outright any potential love interest who doesn't look like a lingerie model in a Victoria's Secret ad? If so, are you sure you're looking for a relationship and not just a hookup? If you are not serious, or even ambivalent, about wanting your own children, then be honest right up front and don't respond to ads that say chidlren are a must You might be cutting yourself out of the running for many women, but the women who are left will appreciate your honesty and perhaps actually be relieved. Take time out to actually read someone's profile even if you think they're the hottest thing going. There has to be some commonality for anything real to happen.

And for both sexes, IF you are not available for a relationship, e.g. just happento be married, have just signed the seperation agreement, know full well that you're not ready for anything serious, don't pretend. This is nothing if not cruel. Sorry.

Once you have done your self-analysis, then, and only then, answer at least six profiles.

2) YOUR PROFILE:

This sucks, but the truth is if you're a woman, the first thing a guy is going to look at is your photo. It's not PC nor fair, but it's life. Make sure you're facing the camera and smile! Be brave and include a full-body picture. If you are a bit on the voluptuous side, you're going to want a man who appreciates those curves. If you're a guy, you have it a bit easier but, for heaven's sake, make it a recent photo! What's good for the goose..... If you're now a bit bald or a bit, shall we say, rotund, go for it. There will be someone who loves that look!

Please, please, please make your profile original. Let it reflect you. No more: LOVES walking on the beach, traveling the four corners of the world, long intimate dinners, etc. Most humans want to relax with their partner, watch TV, go to the gym, and order in pizza. UNLESS you really need someone to do all those romantic things with you, dump these excursions.

What is it about you that make you sparkle? Are you a warm, loving person? Do you listen well? Do you like to laugh? How do you feel about Sunday mornings with bagels and the New York Times? Good at backrubs? What was your favorite book in the world? Why? Your favorite movie, TV program, "Seinfeld episode"? What commercials make you cry? What was the best present you ever got? Ever gave? If you were in a relationship, what would you offer? How would you like your partner to feel about themselves when they're with you? Loved? Appreciated? Fascinating? Sexy?

Be honest. IF you are looking for a long-term relationship, say so. It's going to come out sooner or later, so why not now? You won't scare a potential mate away unless this is the furthest thing from their mind, and if that is the case, why are you wasting your time?

Don't hope to change him/her. If someone you're dating is not ready for 1) a serious relationship possibly leading to marriage and/or 2) children within the next decade of their life....don't expect them to change. Hear them, believe them. They're telling you the truth. Same rule if you find someone who abuses alcohol, pot, etc., can't hold down a job, still lives with mom at 40, has been married five times and they're 32. They are Not Going To Change! Move on.

Beware the Whirlwind Lover. If someone pursues you relentlessly, needs to see you five times the first week after meeting you, swears passionately that you're the one and can't believe they finally met you then starts planning for you to meet their parents (and you've only been seeing each other a few weeks) be very, very wary. This is not your "dream come true"...more like your worst disaster waiting to happen.

There are so many men and women who use the endless resources of online dating to find "the perfect mate." These stary-eyed people live in a fantasy world and hope that you'll be their fantasy partner. But you will fail. You will inevitably disappoint these Perfect Creatures/Perfection Seekers and you will be unceremoniously tossed out of their fantasy...only to be replaced by the next victim. This can really hurt! You'll go from planning the wedding to being devalued and dumped, and you probably won't have a clue why.

The other scenario is that you find yourself going from dating to living together and you're not quite sure when or how that happened; and perhaps none too thrilled about it either. Some people just want to merge with someone else, lose themselves in someone else's life and you, lucky soul, are it! It's very difficult to extricate yourself from very needy, scared people. Avoid this, again, by taking your time, no matter how charming, wonderful, enchanting, etc. this particular person seems to be at first blush.

Go Slow! Always Go Slow. This is the safest thing you can do when dating on-line. People can be online because they really want and are ready for a relationship. Others are online because they can't sustain a relationship, and they are chronically available. Keep yourself safe. Don't listen for what you want to hear; listen for the truth. And, did I say go slowly?

ACTUAL DATING:

1. There is no harm in keeping the first meeting short and sweet. If you both decide to see each other again, that's easily planned.

2. Ask yourself at the end of a date if this person is nice enough to see again. That should be your only criteria (unless you hear warning bells going off). You do not have to decide whether he should be the father of your children or if you want to share your golden years with her.

3. Girls: Wear something pretty and conservative. Unless you want to end up in bed with him (and it's way too early to know that yet), don't go for the provocative outfits. If you guys last, there's plenty of time for the fun stuff.

Guys: Wear something appropriate for what you're planning to do. If you're going to a tapas bar you'd probably wear something a bit different then if you were going bike riding (I hope!). If in doubt, ask one of your women friends to go shopping with you. Let them help pick clothes out that a) you look terrific in and b) make a statement about who you are. Don't worry, women love to take men shopping, you'd be doing them a favor!

4. Girls: I know the guys may hate me for this, but try, try, try not to sleep with him right away. Again, if it works, and there's potential, you have plenty of time (years in fact) to play.

Guys: A kiss good night, a warm hug, at the end of a first date will go a long way toward impressing your lady.

5. Girls: There is no harm, and is actually the polite thing to do, to drop each other an email, twitter, text, or God Forbid, a phone call telling your date that you had a terrific time, particularly if you'd like to see them again. That's enough.

Guys: It's quite lovely, and impressive, to call a woman the next day to tell her if you've had a great time. And, shock, it will make quite the impression if you actually ask her out for another date! This will not make you look desperate or needy, but actually manly and self-assured. If she is not interested, hopefully she will match your courage by telling you, right there, gently (are you reading this ladies?). Hint: When a man tells a woman he will call her, she actually believes him. So be careful here.

If you're doing this right, you should have some other dates lined up, so you don't have to obsess as to whether he'll call you again (or whether you should call him) or whether she'll agree to another date or dump you cold. Move on. I know it's hard, but if he's interested, he'll call. If she likes you, she'll see you again. I didn't say it was fair. It isn't. Of course, if you know they have some big issue looming in their life, e.g. a big exam,a job interview a parent's sickness, etc. then it would be lovely if you called to check in to see how things are. That's just human kindness which should always be valued.

The rest of the issues, such as when it's appropriate to ask for exclusivity and/or agree to go off your various dating sites, are another article altogether. An excellent book that I highly recommend to address relationship issues is A Fine Romance by Judith Sills. Another excellent book is He's Scared, She's Scared :Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol which addresses the various and ingenious ways one can successfully sabotage intimacy.

If you find yourself getting tired, depressed, and pessimistic about your online dating, by all means, take a break! This is not easy on so many levels. Go back to just having fun, relax, find other things to do that interest you. Visit your life. It misses you! Once you are in a relationship, you'll have to find your life again anyway, so might as well keep it going in the meantime!

Good luck on your Internet dating adventure! Keep it in perspective. Keep a good sense of humor. Always treat yourself gently (and expect others to do the same) and make sure to invite me to the wedding!

Marriage Transitions

WIVES OVER THE BORDER!

by Dr. Alita Buzel

Why is it that when a man has a "mid-life" crisis and runs off with his young secretary we assume it's normal, if not tragic, behavior? However, when a woman has her "mid-life" crisis and takes off with her gorgeous personal trainer, she is labeled "Borderline"...the dreaded 21st century all purpose personality disorder similar to "Hysteria" in Freud's day. Did these women suddenly flip one day and become mentally imbalanced, or did their spouces drive them crazy?

No one "turns" Borderline. The dramatic, unstable behaviors characteristic of people with this disorder should be quickly apparent to anyone having a relationship with them after a short amount of time. Even if their wives were truly borderline, how could it come as such a shock to these men, ten, fiftenn, twenty years into their marriage?

As a Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Manhattan for over twenty-five years, I have heard an alarming increase in complaints by men that their wives were "Borderline." implying: crazy, unfit for marriage and/or motherhood, unstable, hysterical, vengeful, out of control, or simple just plan scary. Therapists have become the new Clerics these husbands turn to to exorcise the "borderline" demon from their once passive, lovely wives.

OK. What do these "personal trainers" "tennis pros" "yoga instructors" have that can bewitch these wives into acting in such lustful, out-of-character ways? Youth, attentiveness, adoration, passion, great bodies? Same attributes that young, attentive, adoring secretaries have that drive their bosses "crazy." What makes one behavior pathological and the other normal?

Powerful, economically independent, mature women are beginning to attract and be attracked to the same sexual trophies and appreciative audiences as their husbands. Notice the growing number of women, bumping up against, menopause, who are motivated to have that one last romantic fling. Does it make it morally right? No. But it does even out the power differential. This becomes a sociological issue. Labeling one group "crazy" is a guaranteed way of ensuring that their "less then" (disempowered) position remains intact. Older men who act out sexually are labeled virile whereas older women who act out sexuallly are labeled "out of control borderlines."

The above does not negate the sad fact that there are women who actually have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, I wonder how a man could marry someone so unstable to begin with, have children with them, try to build a life with them and then wake up one day and realize, "My God, my wife is out of her mind!"

Denial is a powerful thing. Those crazy mood swings and dramatic episodes that might have been sexy and exciting when your young enough and energetic enough to keep up with them can eventually ruin a marriage and destroy a family. And, of course, the classic "idealization" characteristic of BPD can be very seductive. Who doesn't want to believe that their partner finds them absolutely wonderful, idolaizes them, and feels they just won lotto by finding you. All heady stuff until you get to the next, and inevitable stage, when you're not only pulled off the pedestal, but now are the worst, most miserable, selfish creatures she's ever met...the dreaded "devaluation' stage.

My heart goes out to anyone trying to untie the knots of a marriage with these rageful, frightened women who truly suffer from BPD where abandonment (yours) often triggers out of control rage, fear and desperate behaviors.

In sum, there appears to be a trend by the males in our society towards over-labeling female behavior as borderline when:

- Their wives have affairs with younger, adoring men.

- Their wives go beserk when they find their husbands having affairs with younger, adoring women.

- Their wives are threatened with divorce, economic hardship and abandonment and respond with panic and anger.

The next time you hear some man complain about his "borderline" wife, ex-wife or girlfriend, you might ask him to "diagnose" his own behavior using the same criteria. Could it be that "What's good for the gander is also good for the goose?"

Codependency

CODEPENDENCY: LOVE OR DESPERATION?

by Dr. Alita Buzel

If you can believe in a better, happier, and more serene life, it's worth the effort to explore what's holding you back from getting the love, honor, safety and respect you deserve.

Borderline Disorders

CAST YOUR OWN SHADOW - RETELLING THE STORY OF PETER PAN

DEALING WITH DISORDERS OF SELF: BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERS (BPD)

by Dr. Alita Buzel

In my therapeutic work with adult children from dysfunctional families, I am often reminded of the story of Peter Pan. Peter was abandoned when he was very young. He and the Lost Boys remained trapped in childhood; they couldn't grow up.

The story begins with Peter returning to the "children's room" to reclaim his lost shadow, which was neatly folded in the children's bureau waiting for him. Wendy, playing the surrogate mother, reattaches his shadow and he is once again complete. With appropriate parenting, with Wendy's nurturing attention, he becomes substantial enough to cast his own shadow. In therapy-speak we would call these creating a Self.

This classic children's story illustrates how dependent we are on our primary caretakers during our infancy and early childhood to attain maturity and independence. We can't do it alone. The paradox is that you need other people to take care of you so that you can finally take care of yourself. We are all aware of how an infant's body needs to grow and mature into childhood and adulthood. We are not born physically complete; that happens over the years outside the womb. So too with our psyches.

Without consistent, loving and dependable parenting, serious damage is done to the developing child's emerging and fragile sense of Self, his identity as a separate, autonomous individual. Our psychic birth begins once we enter the world. In the womb, we are attached to mother by the umbilical chord where we receive the necessary sustenance to thrive and grow. Upon birth we are just as dependent and attached to our mother's attention and nurturing to grow psychically, to successfully internalize a consistent sense of who we are. It is a precarious time of development, dependent on external forces, our caretakers, our environment.

Upon birth, the infant begins a process of integration, taking in and incorporating the image of himself that he sees reflected in his parents' eyes. He sees himself as a miraculous being whose every smile and giggle is mirrored by his parents; every accomplishment is met with applause and approval. His whole existence is a wondrous event and he experiences this via his parents' consistent and reliable attention and encouragement. Over time he absorbs this image of himself. He now has grown a good, dependable sense of Self, separate from his parents. Eventually he no longer needs his parents to mirror him.

In sum, a child's ability to develop psychically, to create a separate identity from his parents, is one of the most important hallmarks in the development of a stable, healthy personality. The better our parenting, the more stable our sense of Self, the more able we are to function as independent adults. We can deal with the stresses in life, we can enter into intimate relationships without losing our "selves" in the process, we can tolerate frustration and strong emotions.

Unfortunately, this is the perfect scenario and rarely does it reflect the reality of childrearing. Many of us were raised in unstable families where our parents were not consistently and dependably available to us during this crucial developmental stage. Perhaps our parents were depressed, addicted to substances, anxious and overprotective, or simply overwhelmed by life and the challenges of childrearing, maybe there were just too many children and not enough time to provide the crucial attention. For whatever the reason, we failed to receive the necessary parenting required to successfully complete our psychic birth. This left us with a wound to our sense of Self that renders us, to one degree or another, dependent on others for the rest of our lives. We feel as if we exist only when others mirror us; being alone becomes an anxious and terrifying experience to be avoided at all costs.

Both our psyches and our bodies must reach maturity for us to be able to function as effective and self-sustaining adults. If our lungs never developed, we would be forever dependent on life-support. If our psyches never develop, we become dependent on other people; they become our oxygen; our psychic life-supports.

How can you know if you have a core wound to your sense of Self? In general, since it is an "interpersonal" wound caused by a failure in empathy, you probably have significant problems in intimate relationships. You are too dependent on others for your sense of well-being.

Whenever you need something outside of yourself to feel normal, calm, safe you are at risk of becoming addicted to that "something" be it alcohol, sex, chocolate, spending, people, etc.. If you find yourself being too needy, controlling, manipulative, desperate and anxious in dealing with people, if being miserable with someone feels better than spending time alone, if the thought of abandonment fills you with panic, you might be dealing with a core wound to your sense of Self or what is sometimes defined as a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD behavior has many other ways of manifesting itself, but for now we are dealing with interpersonal issues.

How can you change? How can you heal deep childhood wounds that happened long ago, before you even had a memory of them? In these situations, therapy can be enormously helpful. First, we can go back and explore your family history in the same manner that an archeologist studies the past. By slowly piecing together the clues, we can begin to understand how and why you were not adequately parented. That does not mean your parents did not love you or that they didn't try their best. We are not exploring your past to assign blame, but only to understand causes and resolve old wounds. Once we begin to understand the past, to grasp the nature and pressures facing the family into which you were born, we can begin to work on recognizing and changing deeply ingrained ways of seeing the world. We can recognize old belief systems and begin to try on new behaviors and attitudes.

This exploration becomes even more paramount when you yourself are ready to parent a child. What is not understood and resolved gets passed on, even if you have promised yourself to be a better parent than yours were.

Just as integral for healing as family exploration is the relationship that grows between you and your therapist. Here you have a second chance to be mirrored in a dependable, safe, and appreciative environment. The relationship that is formed between you and your therapist becomes an emotional healing experience. This can take time and patience, but it's worth it.

With our psychic wounds healed and with a developed, cohesive, and consistent sense of who we are, we finally have the emotional strength to truly leave home and face the world.

Let us return to the story of Peter Pan. Peter is the perpetual child, he even has his baby teeth. He returns to the children's room in hopes of finding a mother for the Lost Boys who were abandoned by their own parents. Peter is nurtured by Wendy who sews his shadow on and he can finally fly free of the children's room.

Peter Pan is the wounded child in all of us. Go back to the "children's room" and claim your shadow. The payoff his contentment, happiness and the possibility of honest intimacy.

Trauma and 9/11

BE ALERT FOR SIGNS OF POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS FROM 9/11

by Dr. Alita Buzel

It's been almost nine years since the World Trade Center attack and life has returned to normal. You can almost believe it never happened, unless you were personally affected by it having experienced it first hand, being a first-responder having lost someone dear to you.

History has closed the door on this episode, but some didn't make it back before the door was shut. These people have been left behind to deal with the lasting trauma by themselves, they have not been able to get on with their lives "as if" nothing happened. Something did indeed happen, and their lives will never be the same. They have the shame of not healing quickly enough, which is anathema in America where there is little tolerance or sympathy for those who can't just "buck up" and "get over it, already!"

We made it thorugh the worst. There are few physical scars left in the City; now we carry them deeply hidden inside ourselves.

Having been trained during the Post-Vietnam era, this makes sad sense to me. We forget the lessens of our past. It would behoove us to remember that it might take months or even years to recover from serious trauma and the worst symptoms don't even begin to emerge until long after the triggering event.

Particularly hurt on September 11th were young professionals many of whom not only lost close friends and colleagues, but lost t hem in a horribly guresome and brutal manner. In a short few hours, these young people went from innocent American youth with the entire world and future promised to them, to traumatized survivors of unimaginable catastrophe. These scars will be with them for life.

Dirty Little Secret: Spousal Abuse in the Upper Crust

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: SPOUSAL ABUSE IN THE UPPER CRUST

Since the sad debatable of Taylor Armstrong’s story about her spousal abuse, and subsequent suicide of her abusive husband, made popular TV on Real Housewives, this taboo topic has broken open for discussion. Finally. Though the idea of a wealthy, pampered house frau having to endure “abuse” seems like such an upper class problem, and why couldn’t she just leave, for goodness sake, she’s got the money? There exists little sympathy, compassion, and as I have learned through my practice, very, very few services available to aide and support her.

But an abused woman is an abused woman, whether she is being abused by her alcoholic, out of work husband or her brilliant, successful CEO spouse; the punches, the shame, the humiliation and the isolation feels the same. Pain is pain, wherever it comes from. When a fist hits your jaw, I don’t care who that fist belongs to, it does damage; to the body and the spirit. And the public persona of most upper class husbands are so impressive, so awe inspiring, and often, so charming and apparently generous, that the abused wife is often silenced by her fear of not being believed, not having the resources to duke it out in court, not having the validation and support of other abused wives to ground her in her unfortunate reality.

Unlike other women of less fortunate fortunes, there are no support groups available to these women, even if they could overcome their fear and shame and actually find the courage to attend. The police are often dismissive once they learn the zip code of the domestic abuse call and upper crust women are more prone to show up in a lawyer’s office than a police station though they could have used the Order of Protection and the history of reported abuse incidents to support her future case and custody battles.

Why do these women stay? Firstly, why do they choose these men, and why are they chosen? There are many excellent theories explaining the perpetuation of abuse, but why her? Why him? Many of these powerful, successful men who eventually become abusers are Predatory by nature; hence their success in very competitive arenas of life. They pick Prey women; often beautiful, often successful in their own right, but for one reason or another are attracted to and then trapped by their circumstances and their husbands.

I am in the process of researching and developing a support group for abused women in upscale marriages. I have found in my practice in Manhattan that though the problem of marital abuse in upper class households is fairly common, the resources available to these women, if they manage to overcome the humiliation, fear, and stigmatization of their situation, are minimal if non-existent. If you are an abused wife and happen to be poor and of ethnic background, there are a plethora of resources available. Not so for this population.

I have been able to access brilliant research on the personality of the abusers but have found scant, or, to my mind, inadequate information on the personality and character of those women who would be attracted to and ensnared by these abusive marriages. In your book, The Abusive Personality , you state (pg 140) “From the beginning, we argued that there were no special deficit in a battered woman that made her susceptible to getting trapped in an abusive relationship.” The concept of “traumatic bonding” was used to describe how the continued abuse is tolerated. In Susan Weitzman’s book, “Not to People Like Us ” Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, she characterizes women entrapped in these marriages as more naïve and innocent, more princesses waiting to be saved, than typical women of their age and income level.

From my experience with trauma survivors, particularly long-term trauma that is sustained in childhood, I have found a hypnotic panic state which renders these people “frozen” when faced with what they perceive to be inescapable danger. When women who are abused describe their panic, their paralysis, their scanning the universe for imminent danger, it appears to me that they are manifesting overlearned trauma responses. This could be particularly true of upper class marriages. Many of these men are wealthy and successful because of their predator-like stance in the world, sometimes bordering on sociopathic, often times, profoundly narcissistic as you have documented. They would, by definition, attract and be attracted to the “prey” of the species; women they could dominate and control. And the match made in hell seems to be sealed. Those women who have not been traumatized, who do not lose their sense of Self and autonomy when faced with danger; would opt out to leave an abusive situation. Those who are left are the weak of the species; the wounded. It makes no difference if they are highly successful in their working lives, have achieved accolades for accomplishments, seemed possessed and poised, given the right triggers, the façade of confidence falls away and what is left is a frightened, overwhelmed, confused child.

Adding A Baby

WHEN MEN WON'T TALK AND WOMEN WON'T STOP -- adding in baby!
(Parenting Magazine)

BY Dr. Alita Buzel

One of the basic truths that therapists have learned over the centuries is that to assume that men and women handle stress and life transitions in a similar manner is to head straight for disaster. They don't. So before anything else, when young couples come into therapy, they are often hit with a crash course on the myriad and subtle ways that men and women differ in how they manage (and don't manage) stress.

Clue Two: Men talk from a solution-oriented center. Their form of caring is to "fix things." Women live in a world of emotions and often times just want a sympathetic ear, not a "This is what you should do" response. Result: Men feel unappreciated and women feel lonely. When you both finally get home, all you want is a sympathetic ear, not solutions to the problems you just need time to express.

Clue Three: Men's sense of self-worth is based on feelings of mastery, competency and control. Women's sense of self-worth is based on feelings of connection and belonging. Men get anxious (=unsafe) when they feel incompetent (and not appreciated); women get anxious when they feel disconnected (and not loved). So go ahead and ask him to change the baby. He withdraws (in fear of looking foolish) and you feel abandoned (he doesn't care).

So let's put this all together. When a woman feels anxious about her attachment, she might try to calm herself by seeking reassurance. Often, this ends up feeling like clinging, demanding or nagging to their partners. When a man feels stressed about his competency or their space, they seek distance and avoid and evade their partners who are making them feel anxious. The paradox is obvious, women seek closeness and men seek distance and they blame each other for problems in the relationship. Add in a baby, with all the anticipation and anxiety that infants come with, and the disappointment and abandonment can feel monumental. Never has she felt so dependent and needy; never has he felt so incompetent and useless.

CHANGE
The most crucial tool for change is your own awareness and acceptance of responsibility for the issues with which you both are struggling. Blame, the opposite of responsibility, feels great in the moment and gets you nowhere fast. When you become aware of and accept the fact that women and men achieve security and happiness via different pathways, things get easier and the appreciation, compassion, and patience you thought was lost forever, becomes renewed.

If there is too much hurt and anger and you both can't move beyond your entrenched positions, it might be time to seek a therapist who can "coach" you through these stormy times. Seeking therapy does not mean your marriage/relationship is failing, it simple means that you're both stuck and care enough about each other and the relationship to invest the energy to get it back on track. Remember, a baby brings out the best, and the worst, in all of us! That's perfectly normal. Working as a team enhances the joys, and lowers the stress, of this tremendous life changer!

Finding a couples therapist might be tricky. There are a thousand couples therapists out there with two thousand techniques. How do you choose? One very efficient way is to ask your friends who have seen couples therapists and liked them. Tried and true! You can cold-call, which is tougher. If you need to do this, visit a few therapists to see which one you and your partner feel comfortable with. A good couple's therapist will be hands-on, and, if need be, can take control of the session if one person gets too angry or is using up all the air-time. You don't want to spend your money screaming at each other for 45 minute, you can do that at home for free!

The first few sessions will be history-taking and time for the therapist to get a feel for you as a couple and what your issues might be. Often times, the therapist will ask to meet with each one of you privately, to get a deeper experience of you as a person and what your goals are for therapy.
I am very much a "coach" of couples when they come to therapy. My goal is for them to learn how to achieve a great relationship and to take those skills home with them. There are times I might recommend that one or the other or both partners do some private therapy if I think there are issues that need to be addressed that are negatively impacting the quality of the relationship. The optimal goal is to refer individuals to their own therapist, so that the couple's therapist remains the "couple's" therapist, that entity that gets created when two people are in a relationship. Don't wait too long to begin therapy, the earlier you start, the better the chances you can gain back the love and comfort you're lonely for.

If you have questions, please feel free to contact me at 212-799-1705.

Articles

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SAVE ME FROM HIS MOTHER! Or Mommy Long-Legs

Women & Mid-Life Crisis

Relationship Issues

Depression

Online dating: The Do's and The DON'T YOU DARES!

Marriage Transitions

Codependency

Borderline Disorders

Trauma and 9/11

Dirty Little Secret: Spousal Abuse in the Upper Crust

Adding A Baby

NEED USEFUL INFORMATION RIGHT NOW?
Click on any article below for suggestions and solutions.