“GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE. THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN. AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.”

-The Serenity Prayer

Photo from The Equine- Assisted Equine Therapy Workshop

Many of you are aware that I held my Equine-Assisted Equine Therapy workshop in Mexico a few weeks ago to rave reviews from the horses! (I think the people enjoyed it too!)

During the workshop, the theme of letting go of control…over things we cannot change, no matter how important they are to us, and having the wisdom to know when it’s appropriate to take the reins. (“Control” in horse talk)

The first instance of the control challenge happened for me on the way to the airport for my early morning flight to Mexico. The cab got stuck behind a serious accident on the ramp leading to the highway…and it look liked it would be hours before anyone moved anywhere.  I asked the driver if he could back out, and got a resounding “No” (=”are you crazy?”) (Yes, a little). So, I got out of the cab and directed the cars behind us to back off the ramp until it was our turn to back up and find another way to the airport.  Upon reflection, I pondered, why was I the only one to take control of the situation? (OK, I could have been squashed and killed, but that didn’t enter my nervous wreck calculations about missing my plane).  This was something I could control, and I took the reins.

Then landing In Mexico, the line to get through Customs was incredibly long and painfully slow. Now, I could have made a stink and ended up in some Mexican jail or just accept that I had to wait, like everyone else. Once I “accepted” that I was stuck, I was OK; I relaxed.

As the week progressed, and our group came to know and trust each other, this theme kept re-emerging. Recognizing what we could control and gracefully letting go of the things we couldn’t, became a working theme.  

When facing a thousand plus pound animal, you realize quickly that you are not in control of this big guy standing in front of you.  You can ask, politely in horse speak, for him to do what you’d like him to do, e.g. not push you over, step on your toe, go too fast, go too slow, move, stop, etc. And, most of the time, the horse is happy to comply.

Once you let go of the idea of controlling the horse,  you are  totally in  control of  how you choose  to proceed.

But life is more complex than asking a horse to stop leaning on you.  Everyone’s personal history is rife with examples of times when we tried, valiantly albeit unsuccessfully, to control the outcome of a situation that was dear to us. And failed.  

For example, we cannot “control” the fact that past traumas and people’s cruelty or heartbreaking indifference resulted in long-term hopelessness and grief.  We can’t undo these events, as much as we didn’t deserve them. What we can control is finding a way to recognize and accept our tumultuous past, to appreciate the personal courage and strength it took to move forward with our lives with hope, to be more than an accumulation of soul-crushing memories.  To look into the mirror and see goodness and love, not self-loathing.

To let go of the past includes a lot of grief work, resolution of anger and resentment, and reframing yourself as a survivor, not a victim.  Once that healing work begins, you are freed from your self-built prison constructed of soul-crushing memories, undeserved shame, and unresolved pain. You can let yourself out. This is under your control.

One exercise, I sometimes do with the horses, is to have participants put a hard-boiled egg on their horse’s saddle and walk with the horse. Inevitable, unless someone cheated and used Crazy Glue, the egg rolls off the slippery saddle and plops on the ground a number of times resulting in interesting patterns of cracks along the shell.  People begin to recognize each crack as representing a trauma or painful event in their life.  But they also notice that the egg remains whole.  And underneath the cracked shell there is a pure, untouched center. That’s where the acceptance of the past and the acceptance of the Self begins.

Now, comes a trickier part. What if we continue to choose not to take control or take too much control in our here and now lives? That leaves us either as a victim or a co-dependent.

Hint: You can’t have a choice and be a victim.

Example: When dealing with abusive relationships, often times people are forced to make the painful choice of leaving the relationship or continuing to stay and hope that “this time will be different.” It won’t. You simply can’t control an abusive person. You didn’t cause the anger and you can’t cure it. You simply have to leave. I don’t want to make this sound easy. It’s a lousy situation, particularly if the person can sometime, even most of the time, be a loving partner. It doesn’t matter, if you have to keep making up lies about where you got the black eye or broken arm.

There are also times when leaving is dangerous. There are safe houses to harbor those who fear retribution from abusive partners. It’s a scary and heart rendering situation.

You didn’t cause the abuse, you can’t cure the abuse, you can’t control the abuse. You need to detach with love.

Hint: You can’t get someone to change if you keep doing for them what they are capable of doing for themselves.

When dealing with any addiction, it is a painful reality that those who care for and are devoted to the addict often times, out of misplaced loyalty, denial and hope, end up perpetuating the addictive behavior.  It is a truism that until the addict actually experiences the consequences of the addiction, they have little motivation to face the arduous task of gaining sobriety.

It tears at the heart of a parent, partner, son, daughter to withhold the support they have chronically provided to their loved one. There might be scenes of anger, accusations of abandonment, and punishing withdrawal of love. It’s a hurricane of harrowing emotions for the sake of a life-time of sobriety and sanity. You didn’t cause the addiction; you can’t cure the addiction and you can’t control the addiction.  You need to detach with love.

Accept what you can change, accept what is out of your control, and find the courage to accept the difference. And share.  Shame can’t exist in an atmosphere of love, acceptance and support.

In sum, it was a wonderful week full of laughter, tears, and caring. It’s amazing what can happen when people risk sharing and allow the appreciation and admiration of others to wash over them. As the Mexican sun shone on us each day, so our souls were warmed by the unconditional acceptance of others.

For many of us, it takes incredible courage to open up and risk being loved for who we truly are, and to accept the often-heartbreaking history our personalities were forged in, and to know it’s in our power to let go of the things we cannot change. I was honored to have hosted such a wonderful and brave group of women!

Vaya con amor