The Pioneer Child

Pioneers leave their known world to seek a better future for themselves and their children. My therapy clients are often the Pioneer Children of their family.  Having been raised in seriously dysfunctional families, marked by alcoholism, emotional disorders, sometimes physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse, they grow to adulthood as best they could; seeking emotional sustenance from whatever source of nurturing was available.  As adults, they strike out from the soil of their past to build a more stable, loving, and hopeful home.

Pioneers create new chapters in their family history.  So often the dysfunction is spread down from one generation to another.  Once the pattern of transmission becomes clear, the choice to change the path of history, to write a new chapter starting with themselves and their children, becomes possible.

Pioneers, breaking through the mists of denial, might try valiantly to enlighten the other member of their family. I imagine them running into a fire, hopeful to rescue as many souls as they can, only to be received not as heroes but as annoyances.  Sometimes, sadly, you just have to save yourself.

Pioneers gain the distance, understanding, and perspective to realize they deserve more. As adults, though they might accept that their parents did their best, they realize that their childhood was still marked by deprivation, fear, and sadness. Not fertile soil to grow a healthy, thriving child. It didn’t mean they didn’t deserve to be taken care of, but that the people who were responsible for their well-being were sorely lacking in their own parental skills.

Pioneers face hardship and the unknown to uncover their true selves.  They forge new ground in their self-understanding and self-compassion, clearing away the obstacles of denial, false hope, shame, anger, and fear, to reach a more fertile, calm and hopeful place.

Pioneers can look back at the place they came from with more understanding and forgiveness.  To quote: “They didn’t cause the dysfunction, they couldn’t control the dysfunction, they couldn’t cure the dysfunction.” It wasn’t their job. They were just children.  It was beyond their pay grade.

Pioneers have learned, through their endeavors and trials, not to go for the perfect or ideal but to appreciate and cherish the good enough. That the fortress they build, around their new homes, is high enough to keep the danger out but low enough to allow love to enter.

It’s often lonely, and sometimes confusing, to leave home to parts unknown.  There will be times you might feel lost and forsaken. Sometimes you have a mentor, a therapist, an older, wiser friend, who travels the road alongside you.  But it’s good to remember that what truly guides you, your North Star, is the courage, hope and wisdom you gain from your own journey.