CAST YOUR OWN SHADOW - RETELLING THE STORY OF PETER PAN

DEALING WITH DISORDERS OF SELF: BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERS (BPD)

Fasten your seatbelts, we’re going to discuss the most turbulent of emotional issues …Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). To begin with, like all other disorders, there are gradients of severity. Some BPDs are mild, and manageable, others are like the proverbial tempest in a teapot (without the teapot!). I’m assuming Homer, in The Illiad, based his description of the sirens as the seducer of men and sinker of ships on BPDs. I guess they existed throughout the centuries. Lucky us.

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure why this disorder is called “Borderline.” People with this condition tend to be highly labile, dependent, angry, switching from adoring to loathing in a split second, strongly reactive to any perceived criticism, triggered by any inkling of distance or abandonment, tending toward impulsivity in terms of self-harm and/or addictive behaviors.

They have difficulty differentiating between their feelings and their experience of reality from those of other people. For example, “If I’m angry, you must be too.”  They “project” those feelings onto others and respond defensively as if they were attacked. Being with a Borderline is nothing if not confusing!

They can be charming and bewitching when you first meet them, but beware. That adoring attention can turn to rage and savage criticism at the first whiff of perceived disapproval and/or abandonment.  

I have had more confused and befuddled patients plead with me to help them understand their labile partners, belittling mothers, rageful sisters. It’s one of the most difficult disorders to describe, and unfortunately, to treat. They appear normal, they can be soooo adoring, what happens to switch their admiration into such belittlement and cruelty?

And it’s serious. So let me try to explain this phenomenon.

What early childhood wounds predisposes someone to have a Borderline Personality Disorder?

In my therapeutic work with adult children from dysfunctional families, I am often reminded of the story of Peter Pan. Peter was abandoned when he was very young. He and the Lost Boys remained trapped in childhood, they “won’t grow up.”

The story begins with Peter returning to the "children's room" to reclaim his lost shadow, which was neatly folded and awaiting him in the children's bureau. Wendy, playing the surrogate mother, reattaches his shadow and he is once again complete. With appropriate parenting, with Wendy's nurturing attention, he becomes substantial enough to cast his own shadow. In therapy-speak we would call this “developing a Self.”

This classic children's story illustrates how dependent we are on our primary caretakers during our infancy and early childhood to attain maturity and independence. We can't do it alone. The paradox is that you need other people to take care of you so that you can grow up to be capable of taking care of yourself.

Unlike many other mammals, humans are born physically dependent on others to survive. This maturation takes years to achieve.  What is not as commonly understood is our psyches go through a parallel process of dependency and maturation.

Upon birth, the infant begins a process of integration, incorporating the image of himself that he sees reflected in his parents' eyes. He sees himself as a miraculous being whose every smile and giggle is mirrored by his parents; every accomplishment is met with applause and approval. His whole existence is a wondrous event and he experiences this via his parents' consistent and reliable attention and encouragement. Over time he absorbs (integrates) this image of himself. He now has developed a good, dependable sense of Self. Eventually he no longer needs his parents to mirror him to feel complete and safe in the world, he is now a self-sufficient person.

Children’s ability to develop psychically, to create a separate identity from their parents, is one of the most important hallmarks in the development of a stable, healthy personality. The better our parenting experience, the more stable our sense of Self, the more able we are to function as independent adults. We can deal with the stresses in life, we can enter into intimate relationships without losing our "self" in the process, we can tolerate frustration and strong emotions.

Unfortunately, this is the perfect scenario and rarely does it reflect the reality of childrearing. Many of us were raised in unstable families where our parents were not consistently and dependably available to us during this crucial developmental stage. Perhaps our parents were depressed, going through a divorce, addicted to substances, anxious and overprotective, or simply overwhelmed by life and the challenges of childrearing.  Maybe there were just too many children and not enough time to provide the crucial attention. For whatever the reason, we failed to receive the necessary sustained parenting required to successfully complete our psychic birth. This left us with a wound to our sense of Self that renders us, to one degree or another, dependent on others to feel safe and complete for the rest of our lives. We feel as if we exist only when others mirror us. Being alone becomes an anxious and terrifying experience to be avoided at all costs.   

BPD, and other disorders of the Self, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorders,* are categorized as Personality Disorders, usually reflecting a very early developmental wound (before age five). This category differs from Neurosis, which develop after the Self has been solidified and is more amenable to therapy.

In sum, both our psyches and our bodies must reach maturity for us to be able to function as effective and self-sustaining adults. If our lungs never developed, we would be forever dependent on life-support. If our psyches never develop, we become chronically dependent on other people; they become our psychic life-supports…and we panic at the thought of being removed from that source of stability.

*Borderlines can have narcissistic tendencies, so it can get confusing.  

What characteristics define a borderline?

·    By their very nature, people with BPD can be incredibly charming and seductive. (BDP is more diagnosed in women than men).  When you are with them, at least at the beginning, you feel that you are the most interesting, exciting, person in the world! Beware: What you’re really experiencing is one of the two polar opposites within a BPD…either you are marvelous OR you are horrible! And the switch can happen in seconds!

·    People with BPD often have significant mood swings which makes living with them exciting, at best, and miserable, at worst. They can be highly dramatic, particularly when they experience any threat to their connection to you.  Threats of self-harm are not uncommon at the possibility of perceived abandonment.

·    They often lack insight into their behavior and tend to blame, and project, their feelings, motivations, and actions on others.

·    And, they have a hard time with borders…any borders…distinguishing when they stop and another human being begins. They remained merged with whomever is their current psychic oxygen supply. Remember, they never completed separating from their caretakers so they never feel able to stand securely on their own.

What’s it like growing up with a borderline mother?

If your mother was Borderline, you grew up at risk of provoking her rage at the slightest hint of normal separation. Often, unconsciously, a borderline mother will sabotage her child’s exploration into the world outside her influence, e.g., crawling away, waddling away, bonding with peers…all natural, healthy developmental steps… can elicit anger, jealousy, and obstruction by a borderline mother who might experience any of the above attempts at independence as direct threats to her needy connection to you.

A classic description, often heard in therapy, is that you never knew who would answer the door, the “good, loving” mother or the “angry, belittling” mother. Children learn to scan the environment for cues as to when their mother might blow or when it was safe enough to go in for a cuddle. This makes for a tense, anxious upbringing.

Or, the opposite might be true. You are her child and therefore an extension of herself. Since Mom is wonderful, you must be wonderful too! Remember, she does not experience you as separate than her.  And, woe onto the poor child who can’t excel the way his or her mother demands!

The Borderline has a great need to be center of attention, at all times.  I worked with one young woman whose mother demanded her husband buy her a new diamond ring when she saw that her daughter’s engagement ring was larger. And, insisted on wearing a white gown to her daughter’s wedding. Another young woman needed permission to go shopping and “risk” buying what she wanted…she came back donned in a fun Western-style outfit, not the conservative three-piece suite her mother insisted she wear.

What are the future intimacy challenges for the children of borderline mothers?

If you can develop a coherent, stable sense of Self, despite these psychic obstacles, you might unfortunately bump into difficulties developing and maintaining your own intimate connections in the future. It’s not uncommon for the adult child to experience feeling suffocated and/or trapped when a relationship becomes more intimate, normally requiring more time and attention.  Remember, they barely “escaped” the clutches of a needy, demanding mother and anything that’s reminiscent of that feeling can elicit great discomfort, tremendous anxiety and a need to distance.  

Once you have established a healthy relationship, it’s best to be on guard against your mother’s subtle attempts to sabotage your bond by “splitting” (trying to get you to takes sides against your girlfriend), competing with her, or being downright nasty to her when you’re not around. In these situations, you need to back your mother out of the relationship, where she doesn’t belong in the first place, and reinforce the border around you and your significant other.   It’s a tightwire dance to succeed at an intimate relationship while keeping your often angry, rejected-feeling BL mother at bay!

What are the challenges of being in relationships with a borderline partner?

If you find yourself romantically involved with a borderline, you might be in for quite a ride. You could feel swept off your feet the moment you meet her, put on a pedestal and worshipped! Remember, you are her reflection.   But, beware, you’re just as likely to be dumped down upon your derriere if she perceives you as flawed in any way.   

There often is a high level of drama, hysterics, impulsive acting out (e.g., threats of self-harm) if they experience any threats to their connection to you.  They are, as one of my friend’s who is married to a high-functioning borderline, “always exciting!” and if that’s something you’re attracted to, this might be perfect for you!

You can usually tell if someone has a BPD before you get deeply involved with them. Just explore their past relationships and if it seems as if a destructive tornedo blew through their past, be alert! It will never be their fault! 

Given enough time, most BLs will show their true colors. So, my advice, as redundant as it is, is to take your time before you commit to someone. Particularly if it feels “so right!”  (BLs are great at sensing what you need and long for…sort of like psychic vampires).

What to watch out for if you have children with a borderline partner.

If you are married to someone with a BPD and have children, be alert for any subtle forms of sabotaging maneuvers on the part of your wife as your child grows and practices autonomy.  It’s hard confronting a BL about parenting skills, probably a guaranteed fight, but it’s simply cruel to leave it to the child to fend for themselves. If it’s scary for you, it’s probably terrifying for them.

I’ve heard too many stories of fathers just staying away from the house, not wanting to deal with their wives, thereby truly abandoning their children. That’s just not fair. If the marriage ends in divorce, that’s even more reason to ensure your children stay with you!

What psychological treatments are appropriate for BPD?

New treatments have proven successful in treating BPD, particularly Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). This intervention has shown promising results with common behavioral issues associated with BPD.  DBT is usually done in a group format but can also be done individually, though I recommend the former.

IN SUM, BPD is a complex psychological diagnosis.  It is painful to the person who is borderline as well as those who interact with them. Once you understand the reasons and behaviors of BPD, it’s easier to have empathy and patience for them.   It’s so sad to have been cut off from the psychic oxygen at such a young and fragile stage of development. So, as exacerbating as your BPD friend, lover, or wife is, hold them in compassion…but with clear and loving boundaries!

There are many excellent books on the topic, but I recommend the following:

Understanding The Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship.  Christine Ann Lawson.

I hate you – don’t leave me. Understanding the Borderline Personality. Jerold  Kriesman and Hal Straus.

Walking on Eggshells. Jane Isay.

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