EVERYBODY UP, UP, UP! IT’S TIME FOR PSYCHIC BOOT CAMP!

Like every unused or underused muscle, emotional tolerance needs to be built up with exercise and daily maintenance! And, the good part is, you can do it flopped on your couch!

When you work out at the gym, you remember (if you’re like me and haven’t moved in about ten years) that you have to start by tolerating the discomfort of working on flabby muscles…until they start to build up, and then it gets easier and easier. No 500-pound emotional bully will kick sand in my psyche!

Let’s start with defining Affect (Emotional) Tolerance which is the ability to tolerate strong, and sometimes uncomfortable, emotions. Which of you would choose to feel: Pain? Anger? Shame? Fear? Anxiety? Sadness? OK, I don’t see many hands waving in the air. So, we avoid them by various psychic tricks like procrastination, denial, perfectionism (which, by the way, leads to procrastination), and getting very, very busy with “stuff.” Any delaying technique works as long as it helps you avoid or postpone actions that might elicit distressing feelings.

I remember having the cleanest apartment, the neatest closets, the most organized shelves when I was supposed to be doing my doctoral dissertation…which brought up all sorts of unpleasant feelings.

Why do we avoid these emotions? Can they hurt us? Will we vaporize and shrivel up if we feel them? Nope. They can feel lousy, but they’re temporary, like a thunderstorm. After the storm/emotion passes, the skies clear, the air’s refreshed. IF we avoid them, we remain haunted by the dread of the thunderstorm instead of just enduring the darn feeling and getting it over with. And, like many psychic mechanisms, the more we deny them, the stronger they get. So, a passing thunderstorm eventually morphs into a Category III hurricane! And we avoid that threat even more!

So, first, you need to figure out what you anticipate feeling if you face a scary activity. It helps if you ask yourself, “How would I feel if I …fill in the blank. For example, how would I feel if I said “no” to an invitation, a new job responsibility, a request that makes me uncomfortable? Or if I didn’t check my email every ten minutes or if I stood up for myself?

Cognitive/Behavioral therapy does a great job of describing various “Cognitive Distortions”- meaning we interpret reality based on our fears, instead of what’s actually happening. A major distortion is Catastrophizing. As the name implies, we catastrophize what would happen if we took the dreaded action. We surely don’t want to feel the miserable feelings that await us if things blow up! It would be awful, horrible, terrible!!! The more we catastrophize, the more we avoid the action, and on it goes.

Another useful distortion is Fortune Telling. We KNOW what’s going to happen. And it usually isn’t good. Really? How often does your calamitous future actually comes to pass? Come on, be honest here. My patients often ask what I think will happen if they risk this or that action…playfully, I respond, “I left my crystal ball at the cleaners. Sorry.” Then we go through the Three Question Exercise: What’s the worst that could Happen? How would that feel? What’s the best that could happen? How would that feel? What will probably happen? How would that feel? (This is actually a good way of figuring out what feelings you dread.)

For example, the worst that would happen, if you hand in your report, is that your boss will find out you don’t know what you’re doing, that you’re totally incompetent, and you’ll be fired. In that scenario, of course you procrastinate turning in your perfectly fine report and end up getting in trouble for, yet again, not getting your report in on time. Well, that didn’t work out well. Now you feel ashamed, abased, and insecure. The best that would happen is she thinks this is the greatest report she’s ever seen and you get a promotion and a raise. Hey, that would feel great! What will probably happen, is she’ll take the report, skim it, thank you, and go on to her next task. You would feel relieved and reassured.

I’m sure you can fill in your own story…the story you make up in your mind that scares you into inaction.

Yes, it is weird that you are avoiding the feelings that you are actually creating. But humans tend to be weird…and interesting! We need those feelings! To keep safe, to make good decisions, to learn from past mistakes and regrets, to be able to empathize with others, to experience life…the good and sometimes the sad parts.

Each of us have a repertoire of feelings that we experience as particularly noxious to us. These usually result from past experiences, often starting in childhood. If you were constantly criticized by your parents, it would follow that you might dread taking chances, hoping to avoid feeling the inevitable shame and inadequacy. Or you might be hypersensitive to feeling vulnerable having felt unprotected as a child. Children raised in chaotic households might be averse to feeling out of control and avoid situations that make them feel scared and powerless. And on and on it goes.

Let's review. The first step is recognizing the feelings that you are avoiding. Second, figure out your particular defenses/avoidance strategies. And, third, take a very deep breath and give it a try…face the feeling. Feel the feeling! OK, you lived! Then slowly, slowly, as you practice, you’ll be able to endure the feeling for longer and longer periods. Eventually the feeling won’t control your actions. You’ve heard me say this before, feelings are lovely, but they shouldn’t be driving the car.

You might never love these feelings. Who enjoys feeling anxious, scared, intimidated, sad, but, hey, they’re part of the repertoire of you!

OK, so this is your first week of Psychic Boot Camp! Come on, I know you can do it! And you’ll be so much more empowered and present in your life. Just got to start. One, two three….