JUST SAY “NO!” (Sorry Nike)
Taking care of yourself is not a hostile act!
How many of you find yourself saying “Yeah, sure!” when asked to take on extra responsibility at work, to do yet more favors for your “friends,” to put something on your credit card since your bestie can’t afford it “right now.” In general, do you find you’re doing more for others than you do for yourself? Are you the designated family problems go-to person, on call for all “emergencies”? Come on, don’t be shy, raise your hands if the answer is mostly “yes.” Aren’t you feeling a tad resentful? Overwhelmed? Tired? There’s a solution for this dilemma, just say “No” to any invitation to extend yourself, yet again, to ease someone else’s problems.
“But I’ll be: a) a bad person, b) fired, c) abandoned and all alone. People will HATE me! Think I’m a selfish so and so. Never want to see me again.” The People that will hate you, label you selfish, or abandon you are not your friends. Sorry. Real friends try to ease the burdens in your life, if they can, not add to them.
At Work: Any job that expects you to work every minute of every day, including weekends; expects you to respond to every email no matter if it’s the middle of the night or on vacation, expects you to assume the responsibilities of every slacker or prop up every ineffectual person on your team, expects you to gleefully take on more and more responsibility when you’re already overloaded, is a terrible job and you’re obviously not setting clear and serious boundaries. I promise you one thing, it will not get better…unless you seriously communicate your limits. How much of your peace of mind and life are you willing to trade in return for a pat on the back and a pay check.
My female patients seem to have more of a problem with taking care of themselves and setting boundaries, particularly in a work situation. We are care-givers by nature and will make ourselves (too) available to others if they need help. Unfortunately, there are many people (particularly bosses) who will just LOVE you for being so dedicated…and how could you possibly disappoint them? I promise you; they’ll live.
In Intimate Relationships: Needing to say “no” is integral for any healthy relationship to be sustainable. Compromising is essential but being run over like a Mack truck by your partner’s needs and demands is exhausting and soul-killing.
Neediness and indecision are subtle and powerful forms of manipulating others to take care of us. This irritating behavior comes in many forms and flavors. One of my favorite passive-controlling behaviors is the person who simply can’t (won’t!) make a decision, for whatever reason, and dumps all the decision-making on you. A true cop-out because they don’t have to risk the possibility of making the wrong decision, you do. This can range from what to have for dinner, which movie to go to, where to take vacation, whether to have children, a dog, move, not move, etc.
At first this decision-dumping might come across as a good trait…here’s someone who is malleable, who cares what I think and want, is open to all suggestions. As time goes by, it begins to feel more like an annoying burden which can morph into resentment and anger. Most of us want partners who are willing to share the responsibility of major decisions, not leave us hanging out there all alone.
The opposite problem is having a partner who is pushy to the point of abusive. In this case, your needs, wants, dreams, hopes are submerged beneath the necessity of placating your easily angered partner. If saying “no” leads to emotional or physical abuse, then you’re in a very dangerous situation and you’ll probably need assistance getting out of there. This is potentially perilous, please seek help.
With Friends: We all want friends and intimate relationships, but, again, you need to make sure that the responsibility to maintain the friendship is jointly owned. Both of you need to feel that your time and your caring are respected and cherished by the other. Someone who’s always changing plans, or dumps you whenever they start a new relationship, or uses you as a sounding board for all their problems and you get no air time, is not worth the effort! The next time they change plans at the last minute, unless it’s a true crisis, should be the last time you make plans with them. If they reach out to you to reconnect after their last relationship flopped, don’t be so available and anxious to resume the friendship. If you’re desperate for companionship, adopt a dog or hamster. They’re very dependable!
IN SUM…just say “no.” It can be a gentle “no” or a forceful “no” but you must mean it! Remember, people usually don’t like change, so if a situation is working for them (you’re accepting more work/responsibility, making decisions, prioritizing their needs over yours), they’re not going to want to change the dynamic. Be prepared to be labeled selfish, uncaring, and cold from the same motley crew who just loved you before! You have to remind yourself that your time, your energy, your life is worth it! True friends will applaud you taking better care of yourself.
Remember, as some insightful person said “Taking care of yourself is not a hostile act!” Asserting your boundaries, you’re right to time off, your right to put yourself and your needs first, your right to demand that decisions be shared, is new for you as well as for the people that will be impacted by your change request.
Countries defend their boundaries powerfully. Wars are often fought to protect those same boundaries, just think of Ukraine. Imagine you’re a country…people are invited to visit but they are not invited to take your resources! Respect the sovereignty of your life!
So, why not establish your boundary rules now. For example,
1. I will not allow my employer to contact me after seven during the week, never on weekends, or on vacation UNLESS it’s a dire emergency.
2. I will not change my schedule/priorities/plans to take care of your needs. My needs come first, UNLESS you are in dire straits and need someone to take you to the hospital!
3. I will not lend you money or put something you want on my credit card. If you can’t afford it, you’ll just have to save for it…like an adult!
4. I have the right to change my mind. If I said I can do something for you, and upon further consideration, I choose not to, I am allowed to change “yes” to “no” (of course, you need to be respectful of the time you’re giving that person to make other arrangements.).
5. I have to right to change my mind if something begins to feel uncomfortable for me, whether in the sexual realm or moral realm. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. You don’t owe that person your compliance if it goes against your comfort level or principles.
6. You have to right to get your needs met, you don’t have to bargain for them or subjugate yourself to someone else’s conditions so, maybe, you’ll be treated with kindness.
I’m sure you can personalize this list to match your goals.
In the 12-step tradition, they have a saying, “’No’ is a complete sentence.”
Let’s Review: When was the last time you said “no” to someone? Allowed yourself to change your mind about a commitment? Put yourself first? Expected to have your basic needs for respect and consideration met? Sounds scary? Uncomfortable? Any change to your core belief system, in this case your need to take care of everyone else before you can take care of yourself, can be incredibly challenging. But like most of the changes I have discussed in my blog series, the first step is to recognize when you are subjugating your needs to others…sometimes that new awareness is all that’s needed to motivate change.
Practice just saying no in benign situations, e.g., “Want to go to a café?” “No, but thanks for the invite.” Keep doing this until it becomes more comfortable, nothing bad happens, the person still likes you, and you’ve just gained some personal time for yourself. Slowly, try more challenging situations. For example, communicating with your boss that though you’d love to be able to help out, and you realize things are crazy, you can’t possibly take on more responsibility now without sacrificing the quality of the work you already have. Then hold your line! People will tug at it, try to get you to move off your position. Be strong!
Go ahead and try. What do you have to gain? Your dignity? Your self-love and self-worth? Good friends who’ll stand by you? Recognizing and owning your own needs? The list can go on forever…