TRANSITIONS

We flow through transitions throughout our day without being consciously aware that we are moving from one perceived reality to another. We transition from: sleep to waking, from home to work, from fooling around on the computer to reading a book before bed. These transitions are graceful, we hardly notice the change in our realities.

But there are many major life transitions that we cannot help but notice since they create a major shift in our lives, good and not so good.

We can often recognize societally sanctioned transitions because there are certain agreed upon rites of passage, e.g., graduations, sweet sixteen, bat and bar mitsvahs, engagement parties, weddings, children, retirement, funerals, etc.  Depending on how emotionally resilient we are, these transitions can be perceived as thrilling or terrifying, or sometimes both.

Humans, by our very nature, are not big fans of change. Oh, sure, we like to go on exotic vacations, but we know it is temporary, and our favorite couch, TV series, computer games, are waiting for us. But when you’re not going to “shortly return to the previous program”, change can be hair-raising!

Transitions often trigger feelings of anxiety, fear, avoidance, insecurity, loss, etc. All normal, all human. The more flexible you are, the more secure in your sense of who you are, the more open to new experiences you are, the easier transitions will be. But even those people with true grit get hit with lousy transitions, e.g., divorce, being laid off, death of love ones, and other disruptive and painful experiences that rattle one’s reality.

We have to accept these transitions, or get stuck with emotional crazy glue to the past.  

Some of the more problematic transitions, I have noticed as a therapist, are as follows.

Leaving college to start your own, independent life. College is often an extension of childhood in that it’s  secure, structured, with lots of support. It’s scary out there! Often times, parents, out of misplaced love and caring, inhibit the sense of independence and mastery their children will need to thrive on their own.  I have met young people, fresh out of college, who have never done their own laundry, cooked for themselves, or handled paying bills. Every decision, from what coffee to order to which job to apply to, must be made in consult with the overinvolved parent.  Sad. No wonder becoming independent is fraught with anxiety and insecurity for these unfortunately overpampered youth.

First Job: Often times, transitioning from student to work is a rude awakening. No one is patting you on the back for “trying,” texting friends during the work day is taboo, addressing your boss by his first name, as you did with your professors, is definitely frowned upon particularly in more conservative fields, such as law and medicine.

Marriage: Though many young people get over the culture shock of living with their partner before marriage, the actual “After Wedding” reality can be either a cold wake up call or a lovely perpetuation of your already-tested relationship. 

I tend to worry when someone is too focused on the actual wedding (a fleeting Barbie Doll moment, albeit fun!) or too focused on just escaping the singles’ scene…and that is totally understandable.  But, reality check, marriage is hard work! Besides having a baby, it’s probably the hardest, most humbling long-term endeavor you will experience.

The more realistic you are about the hard work ahead, the more you are able to compromise, the more you can accept your spouse for who he or she is instead of a “work in progress,” the better your odds of successfully transitioning into a lasting marriage.

Having your first child, however longed for, is like a baby emotional grenade tossed into your relationship which will never be the same.  It can be the most wonderful, stressful, gratifying, crazy-making event in your adult lives. Those marriages that were not securely glued together often crumble under the immense pressure of a screaming, demanding infant.

Unemployment is a soul crusher, particularly if you have been laid off. One day you were a working member of society, contributing to your household, occupied with (hopefully) a meaningful occupation. The next day you are cut loose into a world you don’t recognize and are at a loss as to what comes next.  Your sense of self, your self-esteem and mastery, your sense of control over your life have all been thrown overboard and now you’re being tossed about in waves of confusion…what now?

Divorce or the loss of one’s parents is often the first-time people experience being totally alone on this planet. These events usually rock your world, and not in a good way. Rearranging your goals, dreams, expectations, support systems require a lot of psychic effort for which many people are simply not prepared.

Humans have figured out that dealing with these stressors is easier with company.  Support groups have sprung up to accommodate the emotional needs of people going through transitions…from Mommy and Me groups to grief groups to AA groups.

As I’ve written about before, the newest major transition comes with retirement. (OK, there’s plenty of disruptive and potentially life changing events in the News, but that’s for someone else’s blog!).  Many people are at a loss as to how to create meaning in the rest of their lives after they have stopped working. And since we live so much longer with so many more years of health (fingers crossed here!), it behooves us to take time, before we receive our proverbial gold watch, to figure out who we are. Only then can we successfully transition into the next phase of life.

I often invite people to think about what they wanted to be as children and see if they can rediscover that long-abandoned joy. One of my closest friends wanted to be an astronaut, but at the ripe old age of 75, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He has regained his love of space by becoming a sci-fi aficionado. A friend of mine just retired from being a professor. She realized that she still loved being surrounded by young people, often on the cusp of their adult lives.  She’s now pondering how to incorporate this passion into this new stage of life.  I always knew I loved both writing and children, being a perpetual one myself. In my spare two seconds, I have begun classes in the “how tos” of writing children’s books and have actually begun to draft future stories. Someday, when I have the time, I hope to fully engage in this endeavor.

If you’re at a loss as to what to do next, I invite you to visit a bookstore (there must be at least one left) and notice what section you drift to, or meander through FAO Schwartz or some major toy store. Which department draws you? Skim through an adult ed. course and notice if any topic grabs your attention. Explore volunteering opportunities. What group touches your heart? Be curious about yourself, try different activities, don’t judge your decisions.

You know yourself; you know how you respond to stress, loss, anxiety, fear…get prepared and expect a major tsunami of these emotions to wallop you when your life makes a sharp turn. Expecting emotions reduces their power to wreak havoc on your lives. There is no shame in being temporarily lost in your life, you won’t be the first person to struggle with difficult change, and you surely won’t be the last!

The list of major transitions is as long as a lifetime.

So, be on the look-out for how many transitions you swim through a day so that when the big ones come, you will have the self-awareness that you surely can surmount the wave!