What Reality Are You Living In?
Us humans operate from both emotional reality and intellectual reality…and they are confusingly different! Though we’re often not aware (might I say clueless) of the difference between the two resulting in lots of unnecessary angst!
Quick example: “I will just fall apart if I don’t get into Harvard!!!! It will be awful, horrible, shameful!” That’s emotional reasoning. Intellectual reasoning might be: “If I don’t get accepted to Harvard, I’ll be disappointed but my world won’t end. I have other excellent options. “
If we postulate that something is “Awful! Horrible! Shameful!” we’re going to talk ourselves into feeling absolutely miserable. They’re our emotions! We create them…they aren’t being transmitted from some alien space ship or totalitarian-thought police…but we react to them as if they were! If we create them then…we can change them, right? Easy to say, hard to do. But first, you have to recognize that your reaction is based on your emotional appraisal not intellectual analysis! Yup, your four-year old self wants that cookie NOW!!!! Will just die if he doesn’t get that cookie! But your adult self realizes that sometimes you can’t get what you want when you want it. Hmmmm.
OK, so now that you’re an adult, let’s translate that cookie into a job promotion. Let’s say you didn’t earn the promotion you were aiming for. If you feel mortified and belittled, ashamed that you were passed over, then you’re using emotional reasoning. And, sure, it’s just human to feel crappy if you don’t achieve your goal. But you might not want to live in that misery. You might step back and look at the intellectual reality… that perhaps the “winner” had more seniority than you did, perhaps he/she actually worked harder than you did, perhaps they were more skilled in the art of office politics.
As a result of this intellectual appraisal, you might decide that, a) it makes sense that they were promoted before you, they’ve been here longer, b) that, upon reflection, they did seem to “always” be at the Office and you left at the stroke of five, and c) perhaps you need some brushing up on your Office politics. You might eventually climb down from your emotional “justified pissed-offed-ness “and “It’s not fair-ness!” and actually learn something. Two different realities leading to two different outcomes.
Let’s look at Regret. That’s a pretty universal, miserable emotion. “I made a stupid decision when I didn’t accept that job at Apple! My life would be so much better now had I made the right choice. I am a complete idiot! How can I forgive myself for being so stupid!” Hindsight can squash anybody! We can only make decisions based on the information that we have at hand, and usually we make the decision that seems most beneficial to us at that moment in time. When you made the decision not to accept the Apple job, the company was not as secure as it is today, the benefits and salary didn’t match what your present company offered, you chose not to move your whole family to a new city and you clicked with the people who interviewed you. Remember those facts??????????? In reality, you made a wise decision based on all the information you had and it has actually worked out quite well! A wise person said that you don’t want to fill your life with regret over choices you made in the past. Sounds about right to me!
How about Social Anxiety? That’s a powerful emotional reality for many people. You might talk yourself out of going to that party because: “Everyone will know I’m a nervous wreck! I’ll blush and mortify myself. I won’t have anyone to talk to, I’ll be soooo embarrassed! Why bother? I’m a social disaster, no one will want to talk to me anyway.”
Sigh.
Check that reality, please. Did anyone run to the bathroom nauseated at the sight of you the last time you entered a crowded room? Did people gasp in horror at your outfit? Did they all stop and stare at you as if you were an alien being? I so highly doubt it. I also would add, we look for confirmation of our belief system, as nutty as that belief system might be. So, if we believe that people are judging us, we might misinterpret someone’s eye roll or giggle…and think it’s about us. It’s not. It’s about the belief system you have dragged to the party with you!
Shame, Regret, and Social Anxiety are biggies in the emotional reality/distortion paradigm. None of them carry much empirical reality outside of your head, but boy, can they weigh you down! Any emotion can take on the trappings of reality. Got to be careful if you’re making yourself miserable over feelings you’re actually creating!
So, your life homework is to notice which reality you’re using at any moment in time. Is it emotional reality (clue: usually one word: scared, hurt, overwhelmed, embarrassed, anxious) or intellectual reality? If it is emotional reality (and good for you for catching it!) can you have a serious discussion with your emotional self that helps get you grounded in intellectual reality?
Both realities have their place in our perception and reaction to events; one informs the other and vice versa. But as I have been known to say (redundantly) we don’t give the emotions the keys to the car!
A common dream I hear is someone driving a car and being totally out of control. Very frightening! Leading to a psychic traffic ticket for allowing your emotions to steer. Slow down, switch drivers, and life will become a lot more controllable and saner!