#GO- SLOW!!

 #GO-SLOW!!

…seems to be a favorite adage among my female clients! They know it is sage advice from their sometimes pushy therapist, and sometimes actually heed it! And when they don’t, and yet again go splat, thrown from the back of another should-have-been wonderful relationship, they often say, “I should have gone slow!”

I understand. If a relationship is something that you feel you must have to make your life complete, to resolve all your issues, and to get your mother off your back, it makes sense to hope against the odds that the next guy/girl will be “the one.” Why “the odds?” Because I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find a terrific partner.

Firstly, there are a lot of “players” out there who are incredibly charming and complementary, will make you feel that you are the one they’ve been waiting for their whole lives, scoop you up emotionally into their world, then move callously on to the next vulnerable, adorable victim.  Major ouch! There are a lot of players on the “swiping” apps…be careful! They just swipe to the next pretty face….

There are people who truly believe they want a relationship but are not emotionally mature enough to handle the responsibilities and restrictions that are part and parcel of a long-term relationship. They come on strong and fast, and back out just as quickly when they begin to feel “smothered” “trapped” “panicked.” Not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

Then there are the people who just want to fill a void in their lives, and any breathing human being will do. For example, there are women who want children so badly that they’ll choose anyone who might provide viable sperm. Or a man who wants a girlfriend to take to the next family event so he doesn’t show up alone, yet again. You are not just a sperm bank or pretty picture…

These are just a few examples of people who might present themselves as ready for a real relationship. They’re not.

Too many people are tired of dating (understandably!) and so anxious for a relationship to finally work, that they speed past the warning signs that should have caught their attention. So what if he’s drowning in debt? If she gets fired from jobs every two weeks? If he’s been married three times? If she’s still on the dating app and you’ve been going out for six months….so what? People change, right? Rarely.

Your ego gets bruised, your self-esteem droops, your hope evaporates, and all because you didn’t take the necessary time to truly learn who this person is.

Slow down! Your future partner must last a life time, through the highs and lows, inevitable lumps and bumps, laughter and tragedy, that is part of every life. It’s so sad to discover that your lover is not the trusted friend you had believed he or she to be. To realize that they are not strong enough, trustworthy enough, mature enough, to stand the strains of living and remain steadfastly by your side… till death do you part. You can only know that about another human being if you’ve spent enough time with him or her to learn if they can weather the inevitable turbulence of life.

If you’re afraid that you’ll lose your new love interest if you go too slow…emotionally and sexually… you’re not valuing yourself enough. If he or she demands all your time, watch out! If someone comes on strong, and fast, with talk of commitment, plans for the future, constant texting, you’re in dangerous waters. People who come on that fast tend to leave that fast.

I remember, when I was young and silly, writing a lyric that still makes me smile today….”Being with you is like a twenty-four hour flu. It’s one hot night and one month to recover.” It’s funny now, it wasn’t then!

I don’t want you to go splat when you once again get dumped, disappointed, discarded. Don’t give up on your right to a wonderful relationship because you risked your heart by diving in too quickly. #Go Slow!

Next blog, I’ll be discussing the terrifying and mystifying “Fear of Intimacy” and why you, yes you, might be harboring some fear of your own!