RELATIONSHIP DO’S AND DON’T YOU DARES!

Dr. Alita Buzel, Clinical Psychologist

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

                                                                  Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place. It isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit.

My eyes are open. I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

I begin my blog series with Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. It represents the essence of change and the struggle that most human beings have in accepting change. It is particularly relevant when dealing with people’s universal tendency to make life-defining decisions based on pressing emotional needs instead of inner wisdom…many of these “choices” result in painful, soul-crushing experiences. For example, when seeking a viable relationship that should last a life-time full of joy, disappointment, passion and pain, it is imperative to take your time and make sure you are make the right choice!

I don’t need to tell you how hard this journey to relationship is, you’re living it now. It can be easier, you can be easier on yourself, but you have to be painfully honest about your potential partner choice.

How many of you “risk” going out with a man or woman, even though they are  already married, never maintained a commitment (to work, relationships, ok…maybe a pet fish), live in another country, never wants children (and you do)?  And, I bet you thought, you’ll be the one to change them! Get them to leave their spouses (they promised, didn’t they?), be monogamous, to want children, to give up alcohol, gambling, sexing, etc.? And, I bet you ended up heart-broken and loathe to try dating again.

Most people know, they know deep in their hearts and psyches that they are heading into danger. It’s so hard not to give into the lure, the temptation, the hope that this time it will be different. It won’t.

I rarely reference Freud, but in this case, his theory appears correct. He called this self-defeating, repetitive behavior ‘Repetition Compulsion.”  Simply meaning, the need to repeat, over and over again, the original childhood scenario that was soul-destroying in the hope that this time the outcome will be different. But it won’t. The cruel irony is that we tend to pick characters similar to the ones that originally wounded us, be it a cold, unfeeling mother, a brutal, abusive father, an adult who we counted on that abandoned us, hurt us, betrayed us. And by picking similar characters we set ourselves up for the same, heartbreaking outcome.  I always cringe when I hear someone say “I feel like I’ve known him forever!” You have. That might be your cue to run!

Mature, stable people, who are looking for a real relationship, do not hold the allure, the pull of, the excitement of the unavailable ones. Of course not, they probably are dependable, available, and drama-free. How boring!

The emotional work becomes slowing down (!). Once you stop trying desperately to change a dead-end relationship, once you sit with your discomfort instead of anxiously trying to fill the emptiness with a lot of sturm and drang, you might begin to experience the stirring of deep feelings waiting to emerge. These feelings, that you have kept buried, might bring you face to face with your fear, shame, neediness… emotions that we’ve learned to hide thinking them unacceptable instead of painfully and wonderfully human.

Part of your healing might include a period of grief and mourning as you surrender the hope of ever getting the original love and protection that should have been yours as a dependent child…that grief belongs to the past. This is what we deal with in therapy…staying in the present, grieving the past, moving forward.

Eventually, you consciously chose “another street.”  It takes bravery, time, an acceptance of loss and an appreciation of possibility…but it happens. It can happen for you. You deserve it.