INTIMACY: SOUNDS SIMPLE, DOESN’T IT?

Two paradoxical events often take people by surprise when they head into intimacy:

1)    When finally offered a viable relationship, they back away.

2)    When they realize how incredibly difficult it is to deal with feelings of anxiety, suffocation, buyer’s remorse, they back away.

I know. I hear the protests already! “I’m ready for a relationship! I’m ready to put in the work once I’ve found my perfect mate!”

I understand that you truly believe this. And, I have a sneaky suspicion that you hate me right about now for questioning your readiness and would just love to toss rotten tomatoes at me if this weren’t a virtual medium. Look, I’m on your side! I want you to have a terrific relationship!

My job, as a therapist, is to clear away the emotional obstacles, albeit often unconscious, that may stand in your way.  The debris from a not so happy childhood, a lack of mature role-models, past traumas, and too many painful abandonments…leave you deeply longing for something that you’re unaware is terrifying you. In psychology parlance, we classify this ambivalence as “Approach/Avoidance.”

Let’s review some of the myriad, clever and sneaky ways we humans go about not getting what we profess to really, really want.

1.    Intimacy Avoiding Strategy #1. We pick impossible potential mates. They come with problems that would not only sabotage a relationship, but would sink a navy destroyer. We discussed this in Blog #2 but to review: there are insurmountable obstacles that threaten the possibility of a serious relationship. (See: Judith Sills: A Fine Romance). They live across the country, they’re married, they’re the wrong religion (and are committed to marrying within their religion), they’re thirty-two years older than you (or younger than you), they have never sustained a relationship for more than two weeks, they are billions of dollars in debt, they’re addicted to something (gambling, alcohol, pot, sex, etc.), they never want children and you seriously do. And, you think you can change them!  You are guaranteed not to have to deal with real intimacy if you choose partners that are simply not available for a relationship.

2.    Intimacy Avoidance Strategy #2. You are waiting for “The PERFECT one” and are so terrified of “buyer’s remorse” that you kick out every potential partner for any kind of perceived imperfection. (Of course, you’re perfect!).  For those of you brought up on Seinfeld, you can scan for his various rejection criteria, e.g. The Low Talker, the naked girlfriend, grating laugh, yada, yada, yada.

3.    Intimacy Avoidance Strategy #3. You have to lose twenty pounds, get a face lift, get bulked up, finally finish your degree (that’s taken, oh, twenty or so years) etc. etc. etc. In other words, you’re terrified of rejection. OK, I get that. Vulnerability sucks…it does for everyone!  But how long have you used the same excuse…and done nothing to change it?  You’re hiding behind your love handles!

4.    Intimacy Avoidance Strategy #4. You get hooked on the excitement of it all! Will he call? Why didn’t she call? He finally called! We’ll discuss more about this particular drama in my next blog on Sexual Addiction: Or the Story of the Pigeons.

There are many more subtle maneuvers that let you believe you really want a relationship but make it impossible for a relationship to actually flourish.

What do you do?

1.    Recognize your avoidance strategy

There’s no chance of changing self-sabotaging behaviors if you can’t recognize and accept that you even have them.  I’m not saying that once you recognize your patterns, they automatically change. That takes work and, probably, a number of setbacks along the way.  Remember the poem: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters in Blog #1?

2.     Recognize if you slipped and get out quick!

If you come to realize that this person is not meeting your needs, get out NOW! You’re wasting precious time and emotional energy on a hopeless situation…no matter how much you want the fantasy outcome!

3.    Recognize and accept your needs and dreams.

Too many people spend too much energy and time figuring out their potential partner’s needs, perhaps a survival strategy they perfected in childhood. So anxious to close the deal, they mistakenly believe that if they satisfy every wish, become the perfect geisha or dragon-slaying knight, they will win the prize!* People who tend to do this, often don’t have a clue what they need…they’ve never asked themselves and no one ever asked them.  Not sure how you are going to get your intimacy needs met if you haven’t any idea what they are.

[*Let me just say thing about “The Prize.” Often the person you have pushed up on a pedestal is no prize. If you have to tend to their every need and whim to maintain their attention, that’s no prince (or princess). That’s a selfish, self-involved, un-evolved human. Throw him or her back into the sea.]

In sum:

You don’t have to be 100% sane (who is?) to pursue a healthy relationship. You just need to know your own “traps” and try to avoid them…and honor and respect your need to feel safe, protected, heard, and cherished.

I’d love to spend years and years analyzing how you learned to be so self-critical, how your parents did a number on your self-esteem, how you never had your needs acknowledged or attended to. But there’s no need to wait.

For those of you dealing with these issues, I highly recommend you read the book: He’s Scared, She’s Scared- Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Please! Read it for your own self-exploration and not just to understand why your partner can’t commit. This is about you, remember?

Begin by getting real and honest with yourself. Are you getting in your own way of achieving the deep, committed, loving relationship you so want and deserve?  If not, ask yourself why? Or ask a therapist-that’s our job!