Your Annual Friendship Checkup
When you toss a pebble in a pond, concentric circles appear. Take a psychic snapshot of that, got it? OK, let those circles represent the people in your life.
The circle closest to where the pebble landed, the smallest, is your primary friendship group. Perhaps your family, very close friends, and a gold fish (or two). It is said that if you have five very close friends, you are blessed!
The second circle, a tad bigger, can also represent close friends whom you care about but might not make it into the “inner sanctum.” (I know it’s insulting not to rate as highly as a gold fish, but hey.)
The third circle represents your acquaintances. People you might meet for lunch every once in a while, receive an annual holiday card, are glad to hear from on social media but don’t require an immediate response.
The problem becomes when you blur or mislabel “close friends” or even “acquaintances” as dear friends. That leads to a whole lot of false expectations, hurt, wasted energy and confusion.
So, how do you know who does, and who doesn’t, earn the privilege of belonging to your inner circle?
Let’s start with what I’ve labeled “Barnacle Friends.” They’re like creepy parasites that spend their lives clinging to the bottom of ships, feeding off your life force, getting free rides to wherever, not adding anything of value to the boat (you).
How do you identify “Barnacle Friends”? Here’s some quick give aways.
They never have any money when a bill comes.
They talk the whole time you’re together, mostly about themselves, and look bored if you try to get some airtime.
They’re highly judgmental of what you do but never take a hard look at their own lives.
They tend to buy gifts that they would like, not thinking of the recipient at all.
There’s very little loyalty and caring going on. When things get messy in your life, e.g., an illness, divorce, depression, they are nowhere to be found.
Their needs are pressing, immediate, and you should drop whatever you’re doing and tend to them!
These Cling-Ons might text or email you and get terribly insulted if you don’t text back immediately! As shocking as it might be to them, they might just not be a priority to you. The fact that you have a real life that needs your attention, doesn’t register.
You’re a caring person so why do you tolerate such lousy behavior from others?
Maybe:
You were taught that taking care of others was your primary reason for being.
Putting up with needy, self-centered behavior makes you a good person.
You’d settle for being needed, as opposed to wanted.
You’d feel way too guilty and selfish if you didn’t put everyone else’s needs in front of your own.
You’re afraid that “cleaning your closets” of all the unwanted clutter (I know, not nice to refer to narcissistic people as ‘clutter’), will leave you facing an empty closet, all alone.
Or, my personal favorite: “With all this shit, there must be a pony!”
The corollary question is “What makes a person worthy of being in the circle closest to your heart?”
How about:
You can count on them to be there for you, no matter what.
They truly listen to you, they care. And, you want to hear what they have to say. It’s not an obligation.
You feel comfortable, accepted, loved for who you are. Nutty behavior and all!
They make you feel safe.
When things get tough, they are your emotional life rafts.
You can be honest with them. They honor your busy life and don’t take it personally if you’re too busy to chat.
It’s just plain fun to be with them!
They are as special to you as you are to them.
You will always have a seat at their holiday dinners.
Friendship circles are porous and often shift over time. Some people, who you thought were in your inner sanctum, end up disappointing you when you needed them the most. Others, who were in the “Good Friend” or even in the “Acquaintance” circle, might pleasantly surprise you with their support and unconditional caring. The key is to accept this new information, be flexible, and make appropriate changes.
Yes, it’s painful when someone you expect to be there for you, fails you, over and over again. To assume that these disappointing people will morph into the kind person you thought they were, is simply magical thinking. Sorry. Let’s call a Barnacle a Barnacle, shall we?
But how wonderful it is to make a new friend, at any stage of life, and realize there’s space for one more in your heart. OK, it’s challenging to keep opening yourself to new people, and awkward at any age! Try to emulate your dog (not your antisocial cat). He goes up to each approaching dog, wagging tail, asking to play. If it’s a match, both dogs end up circling and jumping on each other getting leashes in tangled messes! If the other dog isn’t interested in playing, your dog doesn’t give up, tail between legs. No! He just waits for the next pup that’s passing and jumps on them! Now I don’t recommend jumping on people you find interesting, but take your ego out of it, and go try!
I met one of my close friends at a children’s writing workshop. Her recollection was of me hopping on a chair like a rabbit, wiggling my ears, and asking “Did she want to play?” Now, I’m a bit sure I didn’t wiggle my ears, but we have been fast friends ever since. I nudged everyone in my heart over to make room for her, which worked well, since my closest friend has recently passed. I suppose I was holding a place open for her.
So, don’t be scared to leave empty space in your emotional closet, you’re simply making room for hope!