THE QUIET COURAGE OF ADAPTATION

Humans have been given the ability to imagine, to plan ahead, to daydream of the future. We create pictures of what that future will be and anticipate, with hopefulness and expectation, the fulfillment of those dreams. The fancy term for this is “cognitive maps.”

But what happens, as so often does, when life has different plans for you? You know that old, shopworn, but nevertheless true, adage, “Life happens when you’re busy planning for it.”

From your first burst bubble when you didn’t get that PlayStation for Christmas to the painful and messy dissolution of a marriage that started out with the vow “Till death do us part” we all have faced small and sometimes significant and life altering events. Our pretty pictures fracture in pieces forcing our brains to rearrange our internal cognitive maps. (Let’s give our brains a standing ovation, this is hard work!).

Now what?

I hoped my wife/husband would be a great listener.

I never thought I’d be raising a child by myself.

Cancer was definitely not part my picture of my future.

I thought the top colleges would fight to get me.

I always thought we’d grow old together.

I wanted a little girl…. well, you got a little boy.

And so on, and so on, ad infinitum. We are faced daily with having to shift and accommodate to plans that didn’t go “as planned.” We might not even be aware of the subtle shifts we make each day…be it a detour in the road due to construction, being called to pick up our feverish child from school, having someone cancel a lunch we were looking forward to.  We’re usually pretty agile in maneuvering around these shifts.

But it’s the big, uncalled for and usually unwanted “bump” that can test our mettle in Life Olympics. You’re no longer on the Bunny Slopes. You partner died, you were diagnosed with cancer, you were in a major accident with resultant injuries and months of rehabilitation. We might react with all the recognizable stages of grief to these challenges. Something that we assumed was part of our life plan is now dramatically altered. The loss can be overwhelming. We respond with varying levels of anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and maybe, finally, rewriting our futures…acceptance. We hopefully can eventually rebuild a life. Maybe not the life we hoped for, but a life with meaning and fulfillment.

The big question, the one that will not only define your character but your contentment in life, is how you “adapt” to these unavoidable disappointments and disruptions that inevitably occur.

I have found it takes great courage and a wide perspective on life, to accept what feels insurmountable in the moment. I will admit, the longer I hang out on this Earth, the more perspective I have, the easier it is to incorporate these changes, and “move on.” A long, well-lived life is often full of grave disappointments interspersed with moments of pure joy and laughter. It’s the ability to hold onto this hard-earned wisdom that enables us to adapt to even the most dire and painful life-altering moments. I try to remember that whatever is painful and challenging in my life right now will eventually be in my “rearview mirror.” I’ll admit, it’s a difficult dance between hope and pain.

The challenge of adaptation ranges from the mundane to the serious. One of my lovely patients just laughed when her mother insisted on wearing a garish outfit to her wedding. She had lived through enough in her life to realize that, in the “grand scheme of things,” her mother’s outlandish getup wasn’t worth getting upset over. Does she wish her mother would wear something more subdued, yup. But, “oh well.”

Compared to the challenge faced by some of my patients in accepting that they’re slowly losing their parents, spouses, or friends to dementia. A dreamed-of future, retirement plans, finally finding time to travel, all are lost. Grieving lost dreams can be incredibly painful, no doubt about it. But life continues. 

Another patient faces ongoing negative judgements and unwanted, unsolicited advice about her decision to raise her child on her own. She realized, early on, that the child’s father was unstable and possibly dangerous. For the good of her little girl, she opted to raise her by herself. brave woman and one terrific mother!

Perhaps we should stop quickly jumping to judgement about someone’s adaptation to life. I think it wise to acknowledge and appreciate how much courage it takes to incorporate these often-difficult changes.  A round of applause to those who quietly, and with great dignity, accommodate with grace and fortitude.

How can we increase our ability to adapt? I believe it helps to start with teaching little humans to accept frustration and disappointment early, enabling them to develop resiliency and “grit” when they’re young…emotional muscles that develop with practice.  Too many parents are too uncomfortable with their own distress at their child’s unhappiness to permit their children to experience emotional discomfort. Or feel too guilty, maybe because of divorce or the time demands of work, to want to deny their little ones anything. But how will their children ever learn that they can survive these difficult feelings if they are not allowed to experience and master them.  I promise, your child will not implode if he doesn’t get that cookie RIGHT THIS MINUTE, that she will not self-combust if she can’t play on her computer five hours straight, that he’s not allowed to clonk his new baby sister on the head, but must accept that he has to share mommy.  They will not stop loving you. There might be tears and hysterics but they will learn that these emotions are fleeting! Easier said than done…acknowledged.

So, the work becomes noticing your style of adapting and asking yourself if it is working for you. If you find yourself stewing in self-pity and resentment because the world isn’t fair or paralyzed by anger and fear, unable to adjust to your new reality, you might need some outside guidance to help reframe reality. This is hard. Sometimes it feels impossible. But the resiliency and strength to adjust and endure has been passed on to us by generations that have had to face their own traumas, disappointments, and pain and somehow our species has endured!

I often think, in my wobblier moments, of my then twelve-year old grandmother leaving Russia, all by herself, on a cattle boat. She worked in a sewing factory to make enough money to bring her sisters to safety.  I remember a rather large, blonde woman who laughed a lot and rather (roughly) bounced me on her knee. But I thank her daily, her courage runs in my blood.

Learning to adapt is the ability to integrate and reframe your life’s goals, pictures, and dreams. Is it easy? No. Is it possible. Up to you. Will you sometimes need help, sure. Be brave enough and humble enough to ask. Others have walked this path; they have wisdom and insight to share.