Your Friend is Hurting…. How Can You Help?

During these turbulent times, we are faced with the prospect of needing to help our friends and loved one’s deal with grief, fear, and confusion. There are no right ways or wrong ways to be helpful…actually, that’s not really true. There are a couple of “wrong” ways that can not only be unintentionally hurtful but counterproductive. All done with the best of loving intentions!

As therapists, we know we can’t go back and change someone’s lost childhood or take away the anguish of grief, though we often wish we could, but we are skilled at “bearing witness to pain.” Which means simply to be present for the other’s feelings, to allow for and enable a safe space where someone can acknowledge and express their raw emotions. Unless asked, we don’t offer solutions or advice. I know, that’s incredibly difficult! No one does this perfectly.

When I attended summer camp, I remember us campers getting adhesive tape slapped over our mouths to stop us from shouting which inevitably led to laryngitis. This apparently approved of, yet somewhat sadistic, practice was done supposedly to “save our voices.” Sometimes, as adults, we have to put imaginary tape over our mouths to “save our friendships.”

There are definitely times when outside help, in the form of problem-solving, is needed and appropriate, but usually at the beginning of a crisis when a person might be exhausted or in shock. That’s called “Crisis Management” and it’s a temporary bandage for someone’s overwhelmed coping mechanism. For example, after the planes hit the World Trade Center on 9/11, the situation was fluid and terrifying. People needed clear, direct advice as to what to do. Dealing with the emotional pain came later.

Another appropriate crisis intervention is if someone dear to you is facing an urgent situation, such as a frightening diagnosis. They might ask for and be appreciative of guidance, particularly if you have had experience in this situation. Hand-holding and accompanying them to doctor’s visits are a lovely way to help too.

Here’s another situation. When a person, having developed a trusting and respectful relationship with a therapist or close friend, asks for guidance…particularly when they’re aware they might not be making the sanest of choices due to their own history. For example, someone who has an acknowledged propensity to make awful choices in terms of romantic partners, might ask a trusted friend or therapist for their clear-eyed opinion of their new love interest. This advice might be very helpful, whether they heed it or not. The emphasis being on the word, “ask!” (Unless you have information that they are putting themselves in a dangerous situation).

But unless requested, the most useful thing we can do is create a safe space for listening, for allowing someone to tell their story…and to listen, with patience and without interruption.

It isn’t easy. Our first human instinct is to help! And the way we often “help” is by sharing our worldly wisdom. Hmmm.

Watch for the following pit falls:

· First of all, let’s respect that the person you’re helping is capable of coming up with their own solutions…it is pretty disrespectful to offer the obvious. For example, if your friend just got into a bad accident, informing them they should call a lawyer is just insulting their intelligence.

· Offer meaningless platitudes, such as, “I know how you feel.” Is up there with giving obvious advice. You probably don’t know how they feel. You know how you might feel in this situation, but another person might experience things very differently. Better to just ask, “How are you feeling?” “Would you like to talk about it?”

· No one wants to hear about your cousin, uncle, best friend’s friend who had had a similar situation. Unless there is specific advice that is pertinent to the situation at hand, it’s not helpful. I’ve heard awful stories along the line of someone having to hear about someone’s cousin’s uncle’s brother who died from the same illness their husband was just diagnosed with! Well, that’s cheery. And helpful!

· Recommending “The best doctor ever!” is upsetting and confusing for someone who has taken the necessary steps of interviewing doctors, getting second opinions, and had already made the difficult decision as to who they trust. If asked for suggestions, of course offer your wisdom. Or something like, “Have you found a doctor yet?” might be useful.

· Calling during a time of turmoil (after a loved one dies or is admitted to the hospital) to get information, unless you’re part of the family, borders on cruel. There are so many things one has to deal with during these times, having to stop and go over, yet again, what was happening doesn’t help your friend at all.

· Make sure your advice reflects the person’s interests, and not what you want or think that person should do. This is a hard one for parents who are overly worried (and overly invested) in their children’s happiness…whether the “child” is ten or thirty. Of course, if they’re doing or heading into danger, SCREAM!

What true caring might look like:

It is so lovely that you want to help, that you want to let someone close to you know you care and are thinking about them. Here are some suggestions:

· Texting, emailing, leaving a quick message saying you’re thinking about them is appropriate and helpful. Offering to help out with daily chores, such as cooking, taking the kids to school, shopping, is thoughtful.

· If someone is in “caretaking” mode, asking if you could take over for an hour to give the person a break.

· Be ready and available when they call for help.

I had a dear friend who was a super career woman, do it all wife and just assumed that having a baby would be a no-brainer! And she was going to do it without help! Well, about three months after her baby was born, I received a call with hysterical crying on the other end. It was a sobbing SOS from my Wonder Woman friend who got felled by a tiny baby. I ran over with her favorite wine, plopped her in the bath, and held the little guy while Mommy returned to human.

· Keep It Simple:

It might seem silly, but the kindest thing I remember from my time in the hospital was a gift of a teddy bear with huge feet and sweet eyes (and yes, I’m way over 60). It was kind and thoughtful and just what my psyche needed. I didn’t want visitors, didn’t feel like talking, but that bear kept me company during a difficult time. And he asked nothing of me but to be held..

So, think about what your friend might need during this difficult time. Take a moment to review what you know about him or her...what would be the kindest or most useful thing you could do to help? It's not easy, it might be against your natural grain. But loving sometimes takes work, and isn't your friend worth it?